Friday, May 02, 2008

no time......

for all of us who say we have too much to do.....
too many things on our lists, too many appointments, feeling overwhelmed, no free time....I try to remember this poem by this amazing poet....



"The Art of Disappearing" by Naomi Shihab Nye


When they say Don't I know you?_
say no.__
When they invite you to the party_
remember what parties are like _
before answering._
Someone telling you in a loud voice_
they once wrote a poem._
Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate._
Then reply.__
If they say We should get together_
say why?__
It's not that you don't love them anymore._
You're trying to remember something_
too important to forget._
Trees. The monastery bell at twilight._
Tell them you have a new project._
It will never be finished.__
When someone recognizes you in a grocery store_
nod briefly and become a cabbage._
When someone you haven't seen in ten years_
appears at the door,_
don't start singing him all your new songs._
You will never catch up.__
Walk around feeling like a leaf._
Know you could tumble any second._
Then decide what to do with your time.

Monday, April 28, 2008

A Blessing for Grief

One of my favorite authors John O Donohue recently died suddenly after just finishing his latest book 'TO BLESS THE SPACE BETWEEN US"
I used his blessing for grief as part of a healing circle for a group of us when our friend Mary died.
It is true that grief begets grief as his words brought to mind so many griefs that have left the ground beneath me fragile....

the death of parents
death of friends
end of a marriage
the loss of a job
friends that are far away
diagnosis of cancer
months of treatment that has left me exhausted
2 broken shoulders
constant head to toe pain as a side effect of post cancer drugs
onset of lymphedema as a result of the cancer surgery......
and many more big and small griefs that creep into daily life.....
The picture shows my friend Inger's house across the street as every morning I watch as everything in the house is taken out, broken up and gone.....it's as if she is being tossed away.... when i raise the blind each morning the grief is there.....
I invite you to discover the work of John O Donohue and in the words of my 4 yr old grandson Ben, acknowledge whatever grief there is in your life and say out loud "Crying is OK!

When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you gets fragile,

Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;

and some dead echo drags your voice down

where words have no confidence.

Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
no one knows what has been taken from you

When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.
There are days when you wake up happy;

Again inside the fullness of life,

Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,

You are able to function well

Until in the middle of work or encounter,

Suddenly with no warning,

You are ambushed by grief
It becomes hard to trust yourself
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time

To pull and pull the rope of grief

Until that coiled hill of tears

Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance

With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes

From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return

All the time.
From To Bless the Space Between Us by John O Donohue






Saturday, April 26, 2008

bedtime with ben


i was delighted to spend some time with Ben and his grandparents judy and peter on wed....
he was very social and playful and we had a great time kite flying.....


i wanted to describe his bedtime scene as i am still in awe of his little routine and was amazed at how it worked....
after dinner - we played chase the naked boy, bury the naked boy in pillows and let's put on our "jammies".
without one bit of fuss - on went the pajamas, off to the bathroom to brush teeth which he enjoyed, use the potty and then into the bedroom for his nighttime ritual.
he goes to the bookshelf - and says - shall i choose the first one, the second one, the third one (up to the tenth one)
he then chooses one book.....then it's off with the overhead light. - -i leave the room as he sits down in his chair to read it to himself - puts it back chooses another and continues reading...
judy, peter and I are i the kitchen chatting and this little voice comes from the hallway - 'GOOD NIGHT'
just like that he knows it's time to go to bed - we go in the room - he's already snuggled in with his monkey and blankets and he gets his hugs and kisses good night from all of us......
gramma asks if he wants his "sleepy time music" CD - he answers yes and then it's off to sleep......
it may not be so smooth for his parents every night - altho they say it's pretty much the same.....
i would say this is every parent's dream scene for bedtime !!!!!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

a paradox of sadness and joy

how difficult it is to hold joy and sadness at the same time yet so much of life presents us with just that paradox.
yesterday as i prepared to officiate at my friend mary's memorial , i was filled with sadness because she died so young and unnecessarily....
as i opened the living room blind, early in the morning what greeted me was the beauty of new life in all the amazing blossoms that fill my yard.


i cut a lot of roses and the house is filled with the beautiful smell of them and the exquisite aroma of lilacs which totally delight me every year for a couple of weeks.


over 250 people filled the Hayes mansion ballroom for Mary's celebration of life and there was laughter and lots of tears as people shared their memories of a truly remarkable woman.....
it is hard to believe she has died - it is not real to any of us yet....
i hope in the days to come the beauty of flowers like these that i see every day around me can keep the memory of her alive.

one of her greatest gifts was her incredible gardens filled with orchids, roses and may other flowers....
another way my memories are kept alive is when my grandsons come to visit and ask for the giant container of Legos stored under my bed.... when tim and chris were quite young and my husband was out of work one christmas, mary showed up at the door with the largest sets of Legos one could buy to make their christmas more special.... the thousands of pieces sill bring joy to my 3 little boys....
blessed be her journey and may her spirit guide us to love one another more deeply with compassion and nonjudgment...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

and the grief goes on.....

the lymphedema swelling is not improving so monday the physical therapist had me try this garment - (not made for me so didn't fit right) to see if it helped . I was supposed to wear it for 24 hours but couldn't manage it that long...i had it on 6 hours.... they are custom made to the tune of over $500 not covered by medicare!!!!


today the swelling was the same so she wrapped my fingers, hand and arm up to the shoulder for the night to see if that would help...i cannot get fitted for a new glove or sleeve till some of the swelling is reduced..... so she said some compression with the bandage is better than nothing.....
this constant reminder and not being able to use my arm like i ought to be able to is really disheartening.......



Wednesday, April 09, 2008

wondering

wondering why i'm so tired...
wondering why my energy level is so low...
wondering why it's so hard to accomplish anything...
and yet i know......
my heart is heavy....my body and soul hurting
the pain of the biopsy incision hurts quite a bit
the swelling of the lymphedema uncomfortable
and the grief of 2 40 yr old friendshiips ending with the death of Inger and Mary B in the last couple of weeks.....
i have to look across the street every day and watch all of what was inger's get taken away, thrown out, packed, trashed etc..... painters, yard workers, contractors by the dozen buzzing around to make the house ready to sell.... it all seems too soon and too fast as if they are
tossing her away with all the "things".
Yes, her spirit lives, but watching the physical things disappear is very hard on my heart..... i can barely yet believe she is not there.....
Mary died yesterday after a month's battle with her body to keep everything working.....
I am honored to have been asked to officiate at her memorial next friday so have been trying to be present to the family as they decide how best to remember this remarkable woman.....
I have not taken the time to grieve as i so easily tell others to do....
i am very aware of the aches in my body and pain in my heart and so i need to take some time to let my feelings take over and the grief show it's horror and reality.....
i have taught myself so well to just keep on going and not take the time i need to grieve any or all of the losses in my life......
i will try harder this weekend to take some time to just let the sorrow surface......

Monday, April 07, 2008

A favorite artist


I love this artist's clever way of looking at life.....here's my latest favorite

Thursday, April 03, 2008

all is ok today.......

BENIGN.....!!!!!! such a wonderful word...... dr called at 5 today to say all is ok.....
the letdown has me in tears of joy....the last two days of waiting have been terrifying....sadly i guess for the rest of our lives, those of us who have had cancer always have that underlying fear that it can come back.......
thanks for all your good thoughts......
the bruise and swelling and soreness from the surgery is pretty ugly but it will go away ........
Grace can never be possessed but can only be received afresh again and again.
— Rudolf Bultmann

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

fear

i'm really scared and although i know that fear paralyzes - it's very hard to breathe through it......
i hope that the lab report comes back fast.....
i am of course worn out today and quite sore
it will surely be a stay in bed day.....

Monday, March 31, 2008

biopsy

tomorrow i will finally have another biopsy on the other breast after 2 postponements because of a burn infection on my lymphedema hand....
i had the choice of waiting and watching it for 6 months or doing a j wire biopsy now....i chose the biopsy even tho i hate the thoughts of anaesthesia....but i don't want the wondering and worrying for 6 months... they told me it looked benign but they can't be sure without a biopsy...
i am shaky and scared today but have to believe that everything will be OK.....
please hold good thoughts for me......

Friday, March 28, 2008

Soothing peaceful evening


You've heard of the Balm of gilead......i believe in the balm of kd......
i had the chance to see kd lang in her "watershed"concert in s.f. tues eve......
it was just what i needed to "mend my wounded seams, ....cleanse my tarnished dreams" .... as one of her songs says ......there is a video interview with her at amazon with clips from some of the songs from her new album...
her voicenalways heals me....
the best part of the evening was i got spend some time with chris as christa and ben were away in Minnesota and it was a chance for a "date"with my son....

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Easter blessings


Ostara (pronounced Oh-star-ah) is also called Eostre, Easter, Vernal Equinox, Spring Equinox, and the First Day of Spring. This is the time of year when day & night are equal, and heralds the return of longer days. Signifying when light triumphs over darkness.

In countries that are located in the Northern Hemisphere this is a time when seeds are planted. This relates to the neo-pagan philosophy of planting new ideas for the coming year.

Ostara/Eostre is the German Goddess of the Dawn/Spring. Ostara is one of the most important of all the Germanic holidays. Eostre symbols are the egg and the rabbit. The story behind this is that a white rabbit fell in love with Eostre and to demonstrate his love, he laid colored eggs everyday.

The rabbit symbolizes innocence and continuing fertility. The egg symbolizes birth and rebirth. Estrogen's root word is Eostre. The legend of the egg hunt comes from the fact that birds (chickens) were not as domesticated as they are now and in the spring our forefathers would literally have to hunt for the eggs.

The neo-pagan version of Ostara is a celebration of birth and new life. The time of year when death holds no power over the living. It is the return of the Goddess after her winter hibernation. It is the time of the year when the Goddess and God consummate their love. Many of the neo-pagan Ostara rituals have fertility implications and are largely sexual in nature.

Two other cultural Ostara celebrations are Greek and Christian: The Greek myth of Persephone also has it relates to Ostara. When Persephone returns in the spring, her mother's joy brings forth life once more to the world. Easter, which is celebrated on the first Sunday after the first full moon falling after Ostara. The Christianity version of Eostre also follows the rebirth pattern.

Ostara is mainly a day to celebrate new life and new beginnings. It is a time to plant new ideas and seeds for the future, both literally and figuratively.
BLESSED BE NEW BEGINNINGS......

Saturday, March 22, 2008

spring morning



May spring enchant the new life,
shy and hesitant within me,
and set the rhythm for my sluggish feet
in a dance of holy yearning.

Author unknown

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

balance




the extreme daily pain thankfully is balanced with my three little boys...this past sunday they came to make easter cookies....i think they ate more dough than they cut out
we also had lots of fun playing inside and out....
they are such angels - not a moment's headache or problem of any kind....
i am so blessed to have these delightfully special creatures in my life.....
I am pretty much laid out flat with an horrific cold

Monday, March 17, 2008

biopsy news


a visit with the surgeon today came up with another postponing of the breast biopsy surgery.....
the burn is not healed as well as she's like to see it and i woke up this morning with a horrible head cold.....so that also means no surgery....
she told me to relax about it and just wait.......
relax???? me????
i wish it were over...
the trauma of the burn has caused tremendous swelling of the lymphedema hand and arm - not a pretty sight.....

Friday, March 14, 2008

biopsy issue

a couple of weeks ago, my breast biopsy was postponed because of an"abnormal" EKG which turned out to be normal after a 2nd one....
now there is a chance that it will be postponed again because of a mean infection on the hand that has lymphedema. For the rest of my life, that hand and arm are supposed to be protected as best as is possible from any kind of cut, bruise burn etc....as any one of those an easily cause serious infections and further affect the lymphatic system....
well 2 weeks ago while shopping for rotisserie chickens to bring to Inger's family - i burned the back of my hand reaching into the hot tray....the burn was about 3 by 4 inches......
the first visit to the internist decided just to watch it and apply antibiotic cream - she didn't think it was infected at the time....
it blistered, the blisters fell off and yesterday with my check up with the oncologist, she said it was hot and red and infected so she put me on a regimen of antibiotics....
the swelling of the lymphedema is quite bad caused by the trauma of the burn.....
my surgeon will look at it monday morning to decide if the surgery is a go on tues......
on more wave to ride.....
i of course don't even want the surgery, but given that it is the best thing to do - i want to get it over with.....

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

happy day!




today Ben spent the day here as he had a cough that might not have worked at school.....
i really needed the joy and happiness as i am in constant pain just about all over my body....
the side effects of the post cancer drug are just awful..... every muscle and joint hurts....sometimes i can hardly move....
we went to the bagel store for a morning snack, took a tour of the local garden center and then spent over an hour "making mud pies together"
a bath in the sink was in order!!!!!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Ben and his pacifier


Many of you are familiar with my daughter in law Christa's blog about life with Ben and the phenomenon of hyperlexia which is the daily journey of their family. If you haven't found Christa's blog, I'd invite you to read the latest post - (it's long but well worth it) where she describes Ben's grief of giving up his pacifier. It is an exquisite portrait of parents validating and supporting the grief of a little boy whose heart is broken.....

Monday, March 03, 2008

more trauma

the biopsy has been postponed because of "an abnormal" EKG ....
my internist called today with that news which of course caused a huge meltdown....i was scared enough of the biopsy - now i'm scared about whatever an "abnormal" EKG can mean.....
she sent me for another EKG and tons of lab work this afternoon and will see me on Wed. to see if she can figure out what's going on....
the surgeon and anaesthegeologist won't do surgery if they see anything that is "abnormal"
It's been a day with lots of tears.....

another scare

tomorrow i will have another biopsy on the other breast as last week's mammogram turned up a new individual calcification.....
i had the choice of waiting and watching it for 6 months or doing a j wire biopsy now....i chose the biopsy even tho i hate the thoughts of anaesthesia....but i don't want the wondering and worrying for 6 months... they told me it looked benign but they can't be sure without a biopsy...
i am shaky and scared today but have to believe that everything will be OK.....
please hold good thoughts for me......