Final Goodbyes

I was priviliged to officiate at the memorial service and burial rite for Inger on Wed.....it was held at Lima Cedar Lawn in Fremont and the staff there was very cooperative and respectful of the families wishes.
the chapel was filled to capacity and many of the family and friends spoke about how important Inger was in their lives and what a wonderful spirit she had right up until her final days.
During the days preceding and preparing and presiding the ceremony, i have not yet taken the time to grieve. i did my best to breathe thru the funeral and gathering afterwards and now am in the collapse mode.....it is very hard to look across the street and know that she is gone forever.....
it is such an honor to be able to prepare the words and ritual for a grieving family and create a service that they will remember as a fitting goodby to the one they loved.
I know she would have been happy with the tributes coming from so many.......
blessed be her journey......

INGER AT REST

my friend and neighbor of 41 years, Inger Marie Robinson died very peacefully yesterday afternoon at 1:00 p.m.surrounded by many of her family and friends. The end was gentle.... a few breaths and death came softly - a blessing for her and those gathered....Hospice took care of all the details..... i don't know how families who do not use this wonderful group make it through the maze of details when a death occurs.
Today i went with the family to the mortuary to support them in making the final choices....
she will be "buried" in a wall next to her mom in Fremont.
She was surrogate mom to my boys and the picture above shows her delight in one of my grandchildren, Ben. She also delighted in Liam and Ronan when they were around....
i just luckily had the camera out while we were all raking last fall......
may her spirit live in the hearts of we who loved her.....blessed be her journey

the vigil goes on

Inger is now on morphine every 2 hours.....and pretty incoherent.....today she didn't want any water or food.....

the family is of course stressed to the limit and i am spending more and more time with them
I went to the grocery store and cooked dinner for 8 tonite.....
it's quite chaotic when everyone is around as everyone is doing grief in their own way and they are not always kind to each other.....
even the dog is pacing - knowing something is going on......her brother arrived from Idaho yestereay - they spent a long time talking and telling each other the things they needed to say....and then today she hasn't spoken a word....except very strong NO to water and food.....
my radiologist visit today brought me extra stress
I was told to make an appointment for a biopsy as there is some kind of calcium "thing"they don't like to see.....it could be nothing but needs to be biopsied.....it's on the other breast......not the one where they removed the cancer.....
i was pretty shook up with the news.....
these words by one of my favorite writers seem to fit today.... it's called BLESSING and i offer it to myself.....

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

~John O'Donohue

more stress

last week i had my 6 month ultrasound and mammogram and received an all clear from the dr who read them.....
now yesterday - a week later they called and want me to come back for another mammogram and ultrasound.....they said they want to check further.....
i had a wicked meltdown....
between the many hours caring for Inger as her family's back up and this scare...i am terribly stressed....
i know they have to be extra cautious and i'm glad for that.....but i am very scared.......it is the other breast they are checking on next tues morning.....
send me lots of good thoughts and energy................

Healing time

Some friends who were supposed to come to dinner Sun eve cancelled so mid afternoon i decided my spirit needed to see the ocean for some healing and rest..... i drove to Santa Cruz and walked on the sand and just watched the waves ebb and flow.... of course i had to bring home pieces of the sea which smell to high heavens but remind me of the peace and healing of the waves and the wind..... the constant care of my friend as she is dying is scary and exhausting so it was a wonderful blessing to soak in the smell and sound of the ocean....she had lots of family there with her on sunday so i wasn't needed in the afternoon...... i didn't have my camera so i made a little collection on the table to photograph....

vigil

i was awakened once again at 7:30 a.m. with Inger's daughter needing help to change not only her diaper but all the sheets and pads on the bed..... i'm trying hard to protect my body as we roll her and try to keep her clean and comfortable....she gets really feisty and yells at us...so this morning i tried a trick my kids have taught that they use with my grandchildren..... "In 3 minutes, we're going to change you and clean your bed"...it worked like a charm....
she isn't very aware of time as such so we only waited a minute or so and then began the rolling ritual......
the hospice nurse said yesterday that she is really slipping.... only sipping a couple of swallows of ensure each day..... and it wouldn't be much longer - but she is still pretty strong and i believe she is waiting for her estranged twin brother to arrive from Idaho this coming wed.......
we have talked a tiny bit about her memorial service - mostly she leaves it up to the kids - only 1 of whom really wants to deal with it....
we do have some plans made... and she seems to be happy that i will be the officiant.....
all of the pain in my body is worse and of course i am exhausted....
this morning i get a break from "on call duty" for Ronan's 4th birthday "party".....it will be a happy time to be surrounded by precious little people and my family.....

I am beautiful

That love is all there is, Is all we know of love..... IT IS ENOUGH

Emily Dickinson

This is a hard day for anyone who is not a couple - even for some who are couples....... hallmark and the culture surrounds us with cuddling, cooing and caressing not acknowledging that there are many of us who do not have these things in our lives....
i choose today to honor and love myself and to commit to showing family and friends how much i love them. Embodying self-love is the greatest example we can set for our children, for our loved ones, for our friends, and for all those we encounter in our lives. may we acknowledge what amazing individuals we are and how much we deserve to love ourselves.....

witness to life and death

my friend inger - across the street neighbor for 41 years is in the process of dying.... she has been having cheo for 2 years for cancer and the doctors have told her no more chemo and no more dr visits as they can do no more for her.....
she is very jaundiced because of liver failure and hospice is now a part of her daily routine.
she is pretty much confined to bed - they delivered a hospital bed today....
I am spending as much time as i can sitting with her...she asks for me a lot....
it is scary and sad to watch her slipping away altho she is a fighter and will probably live a lot longer than they expect....
i have watched my parents as they died and had friends and clients die but never had a friend that i see day to day as she is in the process of journeying to death....
i need strength to face this and don't have a lot physically or emotionally so am asking for any spare energy you can send my way...

wise words

a line from my daughter-in-law's more than wonderful blog
jumped out at me this morning, brought a few tears and made me think it would make a good mantra for life in general.....
and especially when i tend to hold on to expectations so tightly......
'CHUCK YOUR EXPECTATIONS OVERBOARD AND HANG ON.....!"
I will work on that today and in the days to come.....
thanks Christa.....
I so love your writing..... and so love you too!!!!!

WHEN I DARE TO BE powerful—to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it
becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
Audre Lorde

worn out

although i loved my visit to Florida - my body sure didn't.....
-my dislocated rib seems way more dislocated and very painful
-the stiffness and pain in joints and muscles is worse
and my hand and arm are really swollen.....lymphedema doesn't fly well!!!!
I drove to Morgan Hill today to the lymphedema clinic to get a new sleeve and glove....if you remember mine got mistakenly thrown out in Florida.....
Wow!they're expensive....and insurance won't pay despite what's called the Women's Cancer Act passed in 1998 which specifically mentions that lymphedema treatment must be covered.
The nurse at the clinic keeps bugging them but they refuse to budge.....
one of these days when i get up some energy i plan to challenge medicare and blue shield based on the law.
the insurance companies sure rule this world !!!!!!
i'm sure it will take some time for my body to recover from the plane trips.....

Back to Reality

I had a free plane ticket so went to visit my sister Geri in Naples FL. My sister christine also flew down for fewer days....i was there 10 days in perfetc weather.... no humidity and no extreme heat...which was good news for my hot flashes....it was just good for all of us to be together....
geri and i mostly ate !, collected shells and shopped the dozens of consignment shops that are there....
the beautiful navel oranges are from my friend bob's who lives in Vencie about an hour's drive north and the grapefruits grow right in the yard at geri & tom's......
while everyone watched the super bowl, geri and i went to the movies to see "JUNO" (don't miss it....)
One night we went to the Philharmonic theater to see the musical DROWSY CHAPERONE which was wonderful...
my body took a beating from the plane trips.... my rib is in a lot of pain and the lymphedema swelling is always worse after flying..... in the midst of the week, my compression sleeve and glove were accidently thrown out in the trash so i have an appt on fri to replace them
geri and i bandaged my arm and hand before the trip and did a pretty good job but it kept slipping and was a nuisance....having this the rest of my life sucks !!!
i had missed connections with the airlines and they had to juggle me all over hell and back and i didn't arrive back here till midnite (3 a.m. body time) and not in san jose as planned....i plan to sleep a lot to try and catch up.....

wonderful link

i do hope you will check out this amazing website - Hyperlexicon - noted in the right hand column...
As some of you know, Ben, my just turned 4 ! grandson has been "diagnosed " with HYPERLEXIA a phenomenon which has its own set of challenges and daily joys and sadness. Rather than read scientific web pages explaining this rather unknown "condition," i think you would enjoy the bits and pieces of Ben's life that Christa so beautifully describes. The pictures that she paints of this amazing little boy are priceless and filled with information....
she is an amazing writer and as she describes any moments with ben, i can feel like i am right there with them....
even tho you may not know anyone who has hyperlexia, her writing is a joy and sheds so much life on a subject seemingly ignored by many....
it's worth it when you have the time to go back in the archives and follow this amazing journey.
the honesty and clarity that Christa brings to us is no less amazing than she is ......i am so proud and fortunate to have her as a daughter.......

big words - big pain

Here's the fancy term for what i did to myself......
Costochondral separation - the rib is torn loose from the costal cartilage and is detached from the sternum.
what i'm reading says it takes weeks and weeks to heal !@#$%^&*()

like i need more pain!

went to check with the dr about the rib injury's horrible pain....
she says i did not injure the rib but pulled all the cartilage that holds the ribs together and it is very inflamed.... there's a fancy name for it, but the bottom line is big time pain!
she told me to take the rest of the week off from all activity and gave me double doses of pain meds.....
so far - 2 hours later they aren't helping.....
she also said my whole body is traumatized fro the ongoing cycle of pain from the shoulder, the polymyalgia, the side effects of cancer drug etc....and that it may take some serious muscle relaxers to get ahead of the cycle and break it..... so far don't have to do that if these pain meds help.....
i should be pretty loopy for the rest of the week......
i am OH SO TIRED OF PAIN.........that won't let up......

Down,down,down

Ever since the big rain and wind storm on Jan 6th my internet access,has been DOWN
This past fri i fell DOWN - tripped in the living room putting away Christmas and have bruised my ribs big time.....horrible pain...
Because of the constant getting nowhere with Earthlink for 9 days and now this horrendous pain my spirits and psyche are DOWN.....
with lots of help from Christopher, a new modem and this poem i found shortly after getting back online and checking one of my most favorite blogs have me feeling a little less DOWN..... I love the poem and the site where if appeared seemingly just for me today....

We have not come here to take prisoners,
But to surrender ever more deeply
To freedom and joy.

We have not come into this exquisite world
To hold ourselves hostage from love.

Run my dear,
From anything
That may not strengthen
Your precious budding wings.

Run like hell my dear,
From anyone likely
To put a sharp knife
Into the sacred, tender vision
Of your beautiful heart.

We have a duty to befriend
Those aspects of obedience
That stand outside of our house
And shout to our reason
"O please, O please,
Come out and play."

For we have not come here to take prisoners
Or to confine our wondrous spirits,

But to experience ever and ever more deeply
Our divine courage, freedom and
Light.

~Hafiz

I've had house guests since the 26th so am finally back to having my house and time to myself....so will write something hopefully today.....
meanwhile............this fits the bill for this morning....

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Thursday, Jan. 3

But only the dance is sure! Make it your own.
Who can tell What is to come of it?

William Carlos Williams
"The Dance" in Pictures from Brueghel

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Monday, Dec. 31

While we cry ourselves to sleep, gratitude waits patiently to console and reassure us; there is a landscape larger than the one we can see. Sarah Ban Breathnach

a love video

Tim performed at his office party......
as part of his preparation for a solo act, he was scanning YouTube for ideas for choreography to fill a sixteen second instrumental break in the karaoke track of Jerry Herman's "We Need a Little Christmas."

While watching Angela Lansbury, Lucille Ball, Mitzi Gaynor, the Purdue University Glee Club, various amateur dance and holiday recitals, and even the Sims(!), he discovered that the instrumental break is a feature for radio (and, apparently karaoke). Most of the live shows skip right past it.

Then he found this homemade music video of the song, done by a local teenager, and starring her family.

And while the actors are self-conscious, the whole thing is done with love.

Way more sincere than the Purdue Glee Club.
When he watched it he said...."
I'm crossing my fingers that when our boys are teenagers, they have the chutzpah to do this un-ironically."

I pass it on as a tribute to all that is good in human nature and hope that families around the world can find peace and krismas love.

another view

Hi friends, I thought you might want to see the response I’ve written for the Newsweek/Washington Post On Faith site, to the question below:

"The U.S. House of Representatives approved HR 847 recognizing the importance of Christianity and Christmas. Would you have voted for this resolution? How would you amend it?
A Pagan’s Christmas Resolution
By Starhawk

Would I vote for a resolution affirming the importance and contributions of Christmas and Christianity? As my readers may have noted, I’m a Pagan, but I’d vote for such a resolution—heck, I’d even introduce it, if it went like this:

“Whereas Christians and Christianity are of undeniable importance in the world and the foundation of this country, in respect for his example and story at this time of year we make the following statements:

“Whereas Jesus Christ was born in a stable because his parents could not find shelter, and whereas in the last weeks we as a nation have allowed the destruction of the last remaining housing for the poor in New Orleans, and whereas our streets are full of the cold and the homeless, we repent of our policies and in his memory commit to housing all who wander without a roof or a welcome in our cities and our towns.

“Whereas Christ was born among the poor, lived and preached to the poor, we repent of the selfishness and shortsightedness that has failed to provide for all of our children, and commit ourselves to provide health care for all children and for all of the poor.

“Whereas Christ commanded us to ‘love our neighbors as ourselves’ we repent of the walls we have drawn across borders, the deaths of those who have tried to cross the deserts in search of a better life, the wall we have supported that cleaves the Holy Land itself in two and confiscates the farmland of the Palestinians, cleaves villages in two, and stands as a lasting monument to our failure to achieve peace, and we commit ourselves to establish justice which alone can provide true security.



“Whereas Christ has been called the Prince of Peace, we repent of our eagerness to use war and violence as the answer to every international situation, of the horrific and destructive war we have waged in Iraq which has claimed tens of thousands of lives, and we commit ourselves to a withdrawal of our armies, to a new foreign policy based on the building of relationships, not the bombing of children, and to fostering and nurturing peace.”
Anything less is just a bunch of empty words, and real Christians must be cringing at the hypocrisy.

If I may quote Jackson Browne’s beautiful song, The Rebel Jesus:

“Now pardon me if I have seemed

To take the tone of judgment

For I've no wish to come between

This day and your enjoyment

In a life of hardship and of earthly toil

There's a need for anything that frees us

So I bid you pleasure

And I bid you cheer

From a heathen and a Pagan

On the side of the rebel Jesus.”

As light is born out of darkness, may hope, love and compassion be kindled this season,

Starhawk