FATIGUE

i am finding that fatigue combined wtih pain is really slowing me down....
one more time i looked up side effects of the drugs i'm taking and the side effects of Polymyalgia and all of the above list fatigue, low energy and pain....
i am sleeping way more hours than before all of this..most days 10-12 hours....so it feels like the day is half over by the time i get up.......this morning i slept thru my physical therapy appt....which i've never done....
wish there were some magic pill that would give me some energy......my head is spinning with things that i want or need to do and my body just won't keep up....it's quite depressing....

UTERINE GOOD NEWS

my OB/GYN just called with results from my uterine utrasound of 2 weeks ago. i have been worried waiting as last year the test showed that the largest of 2 fibroids was growing and that was not good...i was also told that if it continued to grow, a hysterectomy might be in order......
IT HAS SHRUNK!!!!!!! and the smaller ones have also shrunk.... and all other ovary and uterus parts seem to look ok....
Because i am no longer on hormones and am taking Arimidex (for 5 years so that the recurrence of cancer is lessened),the dr feels the shrinkage is due to those 2 things...
so now I will just have an annual ultrasound to be sure the shrinkage continues......
meanwhile the Arimidex can cause and is seemingly causing a lot of pain in my joints and head....
coupled with the POLYMYALGIA pain and the residual pain from the broken shoulders....... it's pretty discouraging.....
i'd sure like to feel a painfree day.....

but HOORAY FOR SHRUNKEN FIBROIDS

my attempt to capture the moon.....

I think over again my small adventures, my fears, those small ones that seemed so big, all those vital things I had to get and to reach, and yet there is only one great thing: to live and see the great day that dawns, and the light that fills the world

Old Innuit Song

Gathered in the back yard...

Whenever I experience something beautiful, I am with Soul. That moment of inward breath, that pause and awareness of "how beautiful this is" is a prayer of appreciation, a moment of gratitude in which I behold beauty and am one with it. I have come to appreciate that having an aesthetic eye takes me effortlessly into soul. — Jean Shinoda Bolen in Handbook for the Soul

A New adventure

because there were only christa,chris and myself for a turkey dinner , we decided to order the full meal from Whole Foods grocery store.... its a great place for fine fresh food all the time so thought we'd give it a try....Chris ordered online and picked it up all packed in a box on wed.....
it was super delicious and all prepared except to heat up the turkey and side dishes.
they provided a whole turkey, and all the fixings, gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce and also mashed potatoes, green beans with herb butter, rolls, and a whole fresh baked pumpkin pie....everything was outstanding and we all came to the table without stress and tired bodies from standing in the kitchen all day....ben didn't want to try the traditional fare....but did try pumpkin pie for the first time and LOVED IT ....
as i said in my last post - change is constant and this certainly was a very different way of celebrating the traditional dinner ... but it worked out wonderfully - we all loved the food and it was as good as anything we would have prepared.....
not sure why the picture is so red...... flash must have been off or something.....
all the leaves were from the yard and the bittersweet i ordered from ebay.
we cant grow it here and i really miss it having lived on the east coast where it grows wild.....

Gratitude

I once took a class from this person - Brother David Steindl-rast...he is a deeply spiritual person and you can find out more about him here. For Thanksgiving I thought you might enjoy his gratitude meditation video may we remember to be grateful for all the gifts bestowed upon us....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

CHANGE

some of you may be tired of pictures of roses and trees - however i never cease to be amazed at their beauty....my japanese maple has completely turned red and soon it will be stripped naked and i will miss its morning greeting ..... i need to pay attention to these changes so that changes in my life will not seem so hard when they happen..... my life has completely changed in this last year and it is so difficult to accept most of the time.... sunday we were playing "basketball" on the patio with ben ronan and liam..... ben said "nana, pick me up -i want to throw the ball in the hoop" ...i reached down to get him and then realized that i'm not able to pick him up high enough to shoot a basket.... i had to tell him that he needed to ask uncle tim to pick him up...it was a horrible moment and even now as i write this the tears are falling and i'm very sad.... thanksgiving will be another change as deirdre,tim, ronan and liam will be in riverside with deirdre's mom so it will be quiet and small with christa, chris and ben..... i will miss having everyone here even tho i understand that deirdre's mom deserves time with her precious grandsons and deirdre and tim..........

joy

I think we need a new word — "comjoyment" — as a companion to "compassion" to remind us that our greatest gift to the world may be in sharing what gives us the greatest joy.
— Sam Keen in Learning to Fly

a new worry

wednesday i went for an ultrasound to check out 2 large fibroids on my uterus.
fibroids are benign...however if they begin to grow they as my obgyn says, they are "talking to us " and we need to pay attention. they cannot be removed only a hysterectomy solves the problem...
they have been there a few years and grew just a little last year....then i put them totally out of my mind during the breast cancer ordeal and now it was time to go back and check on them....
the technician was very gentle and sweet - the internal wand used to take the pictures is very invasive nd uncomfortable but she was very compassionate.
i won't know the results yet and am holding all good thoughts that they have just gone to sleep and are not saying anything......join me in holding such thoughts....
i am scared and worried till i get the results.....
yesterday i had ben here for a play day so i was focused on the joy of an amazng 3 yr old to distract my fears......... we had a lot of fun creating stories and acting them out.... and also some rest...... he took a nap and so i laid down for a while.....

the pain pit

my shoulder and arm are getting a bit stronger but i think i have a long way to go to get my strength back.....the 2x weekly phy. therapy now involves a lot more exercise which can be excrutiating.... after the exercise for 30 minutes, the therapist does some soft tissue work and then i'm attached to the TENS machine and pretty much wrapped in ice....it all feels good while it's happening but the rest of the day - i am pretty sore.....
i've cut back on my prednisone dose so i am also experiencing more pain from the PMR and the arimidex drug.......
i wonder if i will ever have a pain free day or nite.....

It's funny how many of our problems result from our entirely unrealistic expectations of what Life is Supposed to be Like. I don't see inscribed anywhere on my birth certificate a promise that life was going to be easy or simple — and yet a part of me deeply resents the fact that it isn't easy or simple, as though I had a right to that.
— Molly Wolf in A Place Like Any Other

morning glory

this is what greets me in the morning as i raise my bedroom shade....a tree i planted a few years ago to remind me of the east where leaves change.... i didn't know the leaves did this - i bought it because when it blooms it has large white "snowball" flowers that we had in our yard growing up.....i didn't remember the leaves changing.... when i see it - besides being in awe of the beauty, i need to remind myself how my life has changed this year.... how i've had to change how i live at so many levels... how i face struggle and pain...how i try to begin a different life's journey... i have a fierce grief about not having my job - i miss it terribly - i have frustration at my body not being what it used to be i have lonliness at being home so much i have fear with every new pain i have fatigue i never had i have helplessness at all there is to do in the house and yard soon the leaves will fall and new buds will begin to form i wonder if there are buds of new life coming my way... meanwhile i dwell in this present beauty.

arms

with both arms in pain, the physical therapist is working hard to bring back the strength and ease the pain....
besides manipulating the areas, she is using a TENS machine (for those of you who are interested you can read about it here)
it has helped and she is going to see if Medicare will provide one for home use...they're very expensive evidently and need a dr. prescription....my internist isn't convinced they are helpful but i intend to talk more about it to her....
i am currently spending a lot of time wrapped in ice!!!

falling..........

no one, not even i can believe that i fell on mon and really hurt my "good " arm - that is the left one which i broke 2 years ago and which still gives me trouble.....
thankfully i fell in the house on top of the sleeping bags i was putting away from the boys' sleep over....
it was the "spare room" otherwise known as the room full of STUFF so it's my own fault for having so much clutter.....
my physical therapist worked on it yesterday and checked to see if she thought anything was broken.....thankfully not.....but it sure hurts..... i've been icing it along with the other shoulder which isn't completely healed yet.....
and then there's the swelling of the right arm and hand from the lymphedema which also compromises their use.
what is the universe trying to tell me about falling and not having "good" arms to use....both of them are quite underachieving..........

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Tuesday, Nov. 6

Compassionate action starts with seeing yourself when you start to make yourself right and when you start to make yourself wrong. At that point you could just contemplate the fact that there is a larger alternative to either of those, a more tender, shaky kind of place where you could live.
Pema Chodron

Pajama party

1st time ever that i had all 3 boys for a sleep over..... what a wonderful day and nite..... they were more than angels and brought me joy beyond belief......they are truly signs of fantastic parenting..
i'm sure some days their mom and dad find it hard to believe but i have the proof !!!!! I did not have 1 minute of any discord or trouble......
the leave piles added to the fun and left over halloween candy was a hit for dessert....
aunt christine came for dinner and baths and sleeping bag time and was a BIG help..
the first wake up was 4 a.m. asking for breakfast..... !!!!! that didn't happen....
all 3 were up ready to play at 6:30 which was then 5:30 because of DST....
this is one tired nana.....
i plan to sleep in tomorrow and took a nap this afternoon....

a little good...a little not so good

rheumatologist visit today cut back some on the prednisone as the PMR (polymyalgia rheumatica) seems to be a bit less troublesome..... it's hard to tell as the medication to prevent cancer recurrence that i am taking causes joint pain as does PMR.
not so good - the swelling in my hand and arm from the lymphedema seems worse while wearing the sleeve and glove so something isn't right....need to find out why....
also he prescribed a new pain medication which the pharmacy discovered can cause seizures if taken with the medications i am already taking..... so can't have it.....
back to the tylenol which i am taking way too much of as it can raise havoc with one's liver.....
one step forward.....one step back....the roller coaster ride continues.....

Día de los Muertos

One of the things I miss about my job working for a grief counseling agency is the opportunity to build an altar and celebrate a ritual to commemorate Día de los Muertos - The Day of the Dead. This is the last altar I created.
Take some time in the next few days to remember our loved ones who have died.

Honoring those gone but not forgotten

Her face is unforgettable and she goes by many names: La Catrina, la Flaca, la Huesuda, la Pelona--Fancy Lady, Skinny, Bony, Baldy. A fixture in Mexican society, she's not some trendy fashion model, but La Muerte--Death.

Renowned writer Octavio Paz observes that, undaunted by death, the Mexican has no qualms about getting up close and personal with death, noting that he "...chases after it, mocks it, courts it, hugs it, sleeps with it; it is his favorite plaything and his most lasting love."

November 1, All Saints Day, and November 2, All Souls Day are marked throughout Mexico by a plethora of intriguing customs that vary widely according to the ethnic roots of each region. Common to all, however, are colorful adornments and lively reunions at family burial plots, the preparation of special foods, offerings laid out for the departed on commemorative altars and religious rites that are likely to include noisy fireworks.

In most localities November 1 is set aside for remembrance of deceased infants and children, often referred to as angelitos (little angels). Those who have died as adults are honored November 2.

From mid-October through the first week of November, markets and shops all over Mexico are replete with the special accouterments for the Dia de Muertos (Day of the Dead). These include all manner of skeletons and other macabre toys; intricate tissue paper cut-outs called papel picado; elaborate wreaths and crosses decorated with paper or silk flowers; candles and votive lights; and fresh seasonal flowers, particularly cempazuchiles (marigolds) and barro de obispo (cockscomb). Among the edible goodies offered are skulls, coffins and the like made from sugar, chocolate or amaranth seeds and special baked goods, notably sugary sweet rolls called pan de muerto that come in various sizes invariably topped with bits of dough shaped like bones and, in some regions, unadorned dark breads molded into humanoid figures called animas (souls). All of these goods are destined for the buyer's ofrenda de muertos (offering to the dead).

At home members of the family might use the purchases to elaborate an altar in honor of deceased relatives, decorating it with papel picado, candles, flowers, photographs of the departed, candy skulls inscribed with the name of the deceased, and a selection of his or her favorite foods and beverages. The latter often include bottles of beer or tequila, cups of atole (corn gruel) or coffee, and fresh water, as well as platters of rice, beans, chicken or meat in mole sauce, candied pumpkin or sweet potatoes and the aforementioned breads.

The spirits of the dead are expected to pay a holiday visit home and should be provided with an enticing repast and adequate sustenance for the journey. Frequently a wash basin and clean hand towel are provided so that visiting souls can freshen up before the feast. The offering may also include a pack of cigarettes for the after-dinner enjoyment of former smokers, or a selection of toys and extra sweets for deceased children.

In setting up the altar, a designated area of the home is cleared of its normal furnishings. The arrangement often consists of a table and several overturned wooden crates placed in tiers and covered with clean linens. The offerings are then laid out in an artistic and fairly symmetrical fashion. The smell of burning copal (incense) and the light of numerous candles are intended to help the departed find their way.

Meanwhile, at the family burial plot in the local cemetery, relatives spruce up each gravesite. In rural villages this may entail cutting down weeds that have sprouted up during the rainy season, as well as giving tombs a fresh coat of paint after making any needed structural repairs. The graves are then decorated according to local custom. The tomb may be simply adorned by a cross formed of marigold petals or elaborately embellished with colorful coronas (wreaths) and fresh or artificial floral arrangements. In many areas children's graves are festooned with brightly colored paper streamers or other festive adornments.

On November 2 family members gather at the cemetery for gravesite reunions more festive than somber. Some bring along picnic baskets, bottles of tequila for toasting the departed or even a mariachi band to lead a heartfelt sing-along. Local merchants set up provisional stands outside the cemetery gates to sell food and drinks. The booming reports of pyrontechnic rockets may announce the commencement of an open-air memorial mass, the ocassion's most solemn interlude.

While death is a topic largely avoided in the USA, the remembrance of deceased ancestors and loved ones is traditional among diverse cultures around the globe, often marked by lighting candles or lamps and laying out offerings of food and drink. Such celebrations can be traced back as far as the glory days of ancient Egypt when departed souls were honored during the great festival of Osiris.

In Mexico the Day of the Dead is a holiday that tends to be a subject of fascination for visitors from abroad. With its rare mix of pre-Hispanic and Roman Catholic rituals, it is also a perfect illustration of the synthesis of pre-Hispanic and Spanish cultures that has come to define the country and its people.