Final Goodbyes

I was priviliged to officiate at the memorial service and burial rite for Inger on Wed.....it was held at Lima Cedar Lawn in Fremont and the staff there was very cooperative and respectful of the families wishes.
the chapel was filled to capacity and many of the family and friends spoke about how important Inger was in their lives and what a wonderful spirit she had right up until her final days.
During the days preceding and preparing and presiding the ceremony, i have not yet taken the time to grieve. i did my best to breathe thru the funeral and gathering afterwards and now am in the collapse mode.....it is very hard to look across the street and know that she is gone forever.....
it is such an honor to be able to prepare the words and ritual for a grieving family and create a service that they will remember as a fitting goodby to the one they loved.
I know she would have been happy with the tributes coming from so many.......
blessed be her journey......

INGER AT REST

my friend and neighbor of 41 years, Inger Marie Robinson died very peacefully yesterday afternoon at 1:00 p.m.surrounded by many of her family and friends. The end was gentle.... a few breaths and death came softly - a blessing for her and those gathered....Hospice took care of all the details..... i don't know how families who do not use this wonderful group make it through the maze of details when a death occurs.
Today i went with the family to the mortuary to support them in making the final choices....
she will be "buried" in a wall next to her mom in Fremont.
She was surrogate mom to my boys and the picture above shows her delight in one of my grandchildren, Ben. She also delighted in Liam and Ronan when they were around....
i just luckily had the camera out while we were all raking last fall......
may her spirit live in the hearts of we who loved her.....blessed be her journey

the vigil goes on

Inger is now on morphine every 2 hours.....and pretty incoherent.....today she didn't want any water or food.....

the family is of course stressed to the limit and i am spending more and more time with them
I went to the grocery store and cooked dinner for 8 tonite.....
it's quite chaotic when everyone is around as everyone is doing grief in their own way and they are not always kind to each other.....
even the dog is pacing - knowing something is going on......her brother arrived from Idaho yestereay - they spent a long time talking and telling each other the things they needed to say....and then today she hasn't spoken a word....except very strong NO to water and food.....
my radiologist visit today brought me extra stress
I was told to make an appointment for a biopsy as there is some kind of calcium "thing"they don't like to see.....it could be nothing but needs to be biopsied.....it's on the other breast......not the one where they removed the cancer.....
i was pretty shook up with the news.....
these words by one of my favorite writers seem to fit today.... it's called BLESSING and i offer it to myself.....

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

~John O'Donohue

more stress

last week i had my 6 month ultrasound and mammogram and received an all clear from the dr who read them.....
now yesterday - a week later they called and want me to come back for another mammogram and ultrasound.....they said they want to check further.....
i had a wicked meltdown....
between the many hours caring for Inger as her family's back up and this scare...i am terribly stressed....
i know they have to be extra cautious and i'm glad for that.....but i am very scared.......it is the other breast they are checking on next tues morning.....
send me lots of good thoughts and energy................

Healing time

Some friends who were supposed to come to dinner Sun eve cancelled so mid afternoon i decided my spirit needed to see the ocean for some healing and rest..... i drove to Santa Cruz and walked on the sand and just watched the waves ebb and flow.... of course i had to bring home pieces of the sea which smell to high heavens but remind me of the peace and healing of the waves and the wind..... the constant care of my friend as she is dying is scary and exhausting so it was a wonderful blessing to soak in the smell and sound of the ocean....she had lots of family there with her on sunday so i wasn't needed in the afternoon...... i didn't have my camera so i made a little collection on the table to photograph....

vigil

i was awakened once again at 7:30 a.m. with Inger's daughter needing help to change not only her diaper but all the sheets and pads on the bed..... i'm trying hard to protect my body as we roll her and try to keep her clean and comfortable....she gets really feisty and yells at us...so this morning i tried a trick my kids have taught that they use with my grandchildren..... "In 3 minutes, we're going to change you and clean your bed"...it worked like a charm....
she isn't very aware of time as such so we only waited a minute or so and then began the rolling ritual......
the hospice nurse said yesterday that she is really slipping.... only sipping a couple of swallows of ensure each day..... and it wouldn't be much longer - but she is still pretty strong and i believe she is waiting for her estranged twin brother to arrive from Idaho this coming wed.......
we have talked a tiny bit about her memorial service - mostly she leaves it up to the kids - only 1 of whom really wants to deal with it....
we do have some plans made... and she seems to be happy that i will be the officiant.....
all of the pain in my body is worse and of course i am exhausted....
this morning i get a break from "on call duty" for Ronan's 4th birthday "party".....it will be a happy time to be surrounded by precious little people and my family.....

I am beautiful

That love is all there is, Is all we know of love..... IT IS ENOUGH

Emily Dickinson

This is a hard day for anyone who is not a couple - even for some who are couples....... hallmark and the culture surrounds us with cuddling, cooing and caressing not acknowledging that there are many of us who do not have these things in our lives....
i choose today to honor and love myself and to commit to showing family and friends how much i love them. Embodying self-love is the greatest example we can set for our children, for our loved ones, for our friends, and for all those we encounter in our lives. may we acknowledge what amazing individuals we are and how much we deserve to love ourselves.....

witness to life and death

my friend inger - across the street neighbor for 41 years is in the process of dying.... she has been having cheo for 2 years for cancer and the doctors have told her no more chemo and no more dr visits as they can do no more for her.....
she is very jaundiced because of liver failure and hospice is now a part of her daily routine.
she is pretty much confined to bed - they delivered a hospital bed today....
I am spending as much time as i can sitting with her...she asks for me a lot....
it is scary and sad to watch her slipping away altho she is a fighter and will probably live a lot longer than they expect....
i have watched my parents as they died and had friends and clients die but never had a friend that i see day to day as she is in the process of journeying to death....
i need strength to face this and don't have a lot physically or emotionally so am asking for any spare energy you can send my way...

wise words

a line from my daughter-in-law's more than wonderful blog
jumped out at me this morning, brought a few tears and made me think it would make a good mantra for life in general.....
and especially when i tend to hold on to expectations so tightly......
'CHUCK YOUR EXPECTATIONS OVERBOARD AND HANG ON.....!"
I will work on that today and in the days to come.....
thanks Christa.....
I so love your writing..... and so love you too!!!!!

WHEN I DARE TO BE powerful—to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it
becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
Audre Lorde

worn out

although i loved my visit to Florida - my body sure didn't.....
-my dislocated rib seems way more dislocated and very painful
-the stiffness and pain in joints and muscles is worse
and my hand and arm are really swollen.....lymphedema doesn't fly well!!!!
I drove to Morgan Hill today to the lymphedema clinic to get a new sleeve and glove....if you remember mine got mistakenly thrown out in Florida.....
Wow!they're expensive....and insurance won't pay despite what's called the Women's Cancer Act passed in 1998 which specifically mentions that lymphedema treatment must be covered.
The nurse at the clinic keeps bugging them but they refuse to budge.....
one of these days when i get up some energy i plan to challenge medicare and blue shield based on the law.
the insurance companies sure rule this world !!!!!!
i'm sure it will take some time for my body to recover from the plane trips.....

Back to Reality

I had a free plane ticket so went to visit my sister Geri in Naples FL. My sister christine also flew down for fewer days....i was there 10 days in perfetc weather.... no humidity and no extreme heat...which was good news for my hot flashes....it was just good for all of us to be together....
geri and i mostly ate !, collected shells and shopped the dozens of consignment shops that are there....
the beautiful navel oranges are from my friend bob's who lives in Vencie about an hour's drive north and the grapefruits grow right in the yard at geri & tom's......
while everyone watched the super bowl, geri and i went to the movies to see "JUNO" (don't miss it....)
One night we went to the Philharmonic theater to see the musical DROWSY CHAPERONE which was wonderful...
my body took a beating from the plane trips.... my rib is in a lot of pain and the lymphedema swelling is always worse after flying..... in the midst of the week, my compression sleeve and glove were accidently thrown out in the trash so i have an appt on fri to replace them
geri and i bandaged my arm and hand before the trip and did a pretty good job but it kept slipping and was a nuisance....having this the rest of my life sucks !!!
i had missed connections with the airlines and they had to juggle me all over hell and back and i didn't arrive back here till midnite (3 a.m. body time) and not in san jose as planned....i plan to sleep a lot to try and catch up.....