THE WAITING GAME

pain remains the same-
drugs the same-
laxatives are beginning to work
now it's just WAIT for the orthopedic surgeon appt which isn't till wed.....
he will determine what the healing will involve
WAITING sucks and i want the treatments - if there are some-to begin
i want to drive
i want to dance
i want to put christmas away
i want to sort out the surrounding mess
but all i can do is take drugs and WAIT
and it's awful

bits,pieces,breaks

i spent 6 days in the hospital with what they are calling a thorassic compressed fracture of the t6 vertebrae...the purpose of the hospital was pain management which didn't work very well..pain level is still excruciating
no one knows HOW it happened
we do the the WHY.- prednisone is the dirty nasty culprit....and as some of you know i have been on that forPMR for 3.5years.....
bone scans, mri's, ctscans, xrays etc show "massive mess" with tissue tears, trauma disintergration of bone marrow,osteoporosis,etc ALL AS A RESULT OF 3 YEARS ON PREDNISONE(STEROIDS).
any slight move or wrong move could have caused the fracture
right now the name of the game is pain control
i am on a fentanyal patch 24/7 - lidoderm patxhes every other day and oral Percoset every 4hours so am quite loopy
no driving
no lifting
no dancing(the worst)
i am under the care of a pain management specialist, internist and orthopedic surgeon.
much of it is a waiting game
and once again askingfor help and support -(not my strong suit)

WHAT DO I NEED RIGHT NOW

rides to appts when they come up
intermittent food (not a lot)
mostly an email or phone call to stay in touch - these are lonely, long days and some days no one writes or calls....

i did manage to go out to lunch yesterday -a soft booth provided enough stability to eat.
i'm sleeping way t0o0 much-i think it's the drugs
i will try to keep this update (up to date)
it's pretty painful to type ......
thank you for getting this far in reading the ongoing saga
it's hard to keep it short an simple
i will be gad to answer any questions and would love to hear from you
i am missing all of you...............

ode to joy

these have made me smile over and over today and YES - CRY!!!!!!! with immeasurable joy...
i bought these tap shoes for ben's birthday and he immediately took to them and announced 'LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WATCH MY NEW TAP DANCE " and off he went tapping away........
i am so happy i thought of these for a present....

who needs this?

somehow i have developed bursitis in my already compromised (lymphedema and PMR) shoulder and arm which in turn has pulled, strained, sprained the trapezoid muscle in my upper back
the pain is unbearable- and i am at a standstill as far as doing anything......christmas is still up everywhere and there is no way i can put it away presently.
even this typing will cost me in the pain dept.....
the pain medication (Norco) wasn't doing a thing so friday the dr put me on oxiconton!! a real strong narcotic and i ended up calling him to say it wasn't working...he doubled the dose and i still haven't gotten any relief....i must have a strange body as others have told me if they were taking what i'm taking -they'd be flat out. i don't even feel it.......
i've been mostly in bed with ice packs which numb things for a while......
i was scheduled to go on a retreat for the weekend but had to cancel - lost my deposit but there is no way i could have driven to san rafael and then concentrated on the retreat work.....
the dr sent me for an MRI on thurs and i called chris to come with me as i knew i couldn't do it alone. thankfully it was at the end of his work day.
he held my hand for the whole hour.....thank you, thank you, thank you and i did get through it..........
not sure what the outcome will be -i see the dr on thurs -not sure there is anything they can do...
i'm very discouraged and unable to do anything........
who needs this?????? where is end of pain........?

twelfth night

time for it all to be a memory
i love all the beauty of the decorations-yet the 12th night is technically the time to let them go.....
it may take me twelve times 2 or 3 days to get it all put away but i will take it slow......
good bye to all the angels, muppets, ms santa, lights, fairies, dancers, birds on the tree and the greenery everywhere.......

SOUL STORY

how does one describe the soul of a 4 yr old?- one who some theoreticians say cannot relate
how do words tell the real story of a moment ?
how can i share an unbelievable experience i will never forget
I am struggling to find words and there are none at all to tell this story, but i need to share it with the world.......
Ben was here for a sleep over and after a wonderful day and evening and next day, he was getting ready to go home with daddy. "Daddy," he said, "every time i come to nana's her arm is hurting..." just as a matter of fact statement of the reality. Daddy validated that and explained that the hurting was left over from when nana was really sick, lost all her hair and now has this arm issue left over.
Bags were packed and time came for the"adios, te amo" ritual as he got ready to climb into his car seat....sometimes he needs a prompt to kiss and hug nana good bye.....this time unprompted, he came running to me to kiss and hug me and
THEN........ this amazing child reached down and took my lymphedema, swollen arm in his tiny hands and picked it up and kissed it....
then on to the car seat.
i was in complete shock and actually am still reeling from the depth of that simple action straight from the heart of a tiny soul....
i can still feel the kiss-am still in awe that he somehow knew that the limb needed some kind of
attention that came from love.
poets and writers can find words to describe this moment in time-i am left awestruck and tearful at the beauty of this experience and will treasure it for eternity and beyond........

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Positive Resolutions

Instead of making a resolution to change something about yourself, consider reflecting on what you already do well in your life and then commit to deepening that practice. Spend more time with what you love most.

I took these quotes from another blog with hopes that she won't mind my passing them on.....

________________
For last year's words
belong to last year's language
And next year's words
await another voice.
And to make an end
is to make a beginning.

-T.S. Eliot, from "Little Gidding"

_______________

January First (excerpt)

The year's doors open
like those of language
toward the unknown. . .
Tomorrow, we shall have to invent,
once more,
the reality of this world.

-Octavio Paz