The picture is the recent full moon peeking through the dark sky in the backyard....a reminder.....
As i face this new day, i am weary and discouraged. Each day I work on hope and positive thoughts to face this monster challenge.
Most days what i write is in that spirit.
I realized this morning that I tend to stay away from discouraging feelings and don't really go to the dark places of sadness and anger....I usually run from the dark and yet know that it is a real place on any journey of this sort....
so today i am trying to own the anger and sadness of once again being pretty much overcome with fatigue. This is day 7 since my treatment and I was hoping by now to be on the ride "up" with energy....
I will take a shower which will lead me back to resting, then I will walk a few minutes.
yesterday i walked to the corner and back which felt like miles....
my life has been high energy since birth.....(my parents used to tell me i napped with one eye open so that i wouldn't miss anything....)
my friends constantly say they are amazed at my energy level....
coming to such a screeching halt is one of the hardest things i have ever had to face.....
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
Og Mandino
2 comments:
"Don't Despair"
Joseph to his father in Canaan shall return, don't despair walk on;
and Jacob's hut will brighten with flowers, don't despair walk on.
Aching hearts heal in time, vanished hopes reappear,
the disparate mind will be pacified, don't despair walk on.
As the spring of life grows the newly green meadow,
roses will crown the sweet nightingale's song, don't despair walk on
If the world does not turn to your whims these few days,
cosmic cycles are preparing to change, don't despair walk on.
If desperation whispers you'll never know God,
it's the talk of hidden games in the veil, don't despair walk on.
O heart, when the vast flood slashes life to its roots,
Captain Noah waits to steer you ashore, don't despair walk on.
If you trek as a pilgrim through sands to Kaabeh
with thorns lodged deep in your soul shouting why, don't despair walk on
Though oases hide dangers and your destiny's far,
there's no pathway that goes on forever, don't despair walk on.
My trials and enemies face me on their own,
but mystery always backs up my stand, don't despair walk on.
Hafez, weakened by poverty, alone in the dark,
this night is your pathway into the light, don't despair walk on.
From: 'The Spiritual Wisdom of Hafez'
Ahhh ... go ahead and despair if you need to. God knows you've earned the right to some very righteous rage. You've struggled and struggled with magnificent will to trace the twinkle of faraway stars, to see the mushroom elbow its way along a concrete path.
And if today's walk or tomorrow's or tomorrow's or tomorrow's is about how few steps your weary legs will take you instead of how many, so be it.
All those parts that make you who you are are defining this journey. So when you have a moment, an hour, a day or a week when no amount of fey observation can erase the abject devastation of your experience -- own it!
I have infinite faith in your ability to find the balance necessary to find your dance. But recognize that whatever you feel --the good, the bad and the ugly -- is absolute perfection. Because what you feel is who you are and like any precious jewel there are infinite possibilities within you at all times -- the dips, the twirls, the high kicks and the glides.
Oh, yeah ... REMEMBER BUFFY!
Love you - Steph
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