today during treatment with my physical therapist who does MLD* on my arm and breast, she worked a little on my upper arm which is somewhat fibrotic and is really painful.... sometimes the pain is my upper arm is excrutiating and she told me today that fibrotic pain on a scale of 1 to 10 is a 12 !!! so at least i know i'm not crazy !!!!!
one more day...............the mountain to climb is still here.....
*( Manual Lymphatic Drainage - a unique, therapeutic method of stimulating the movement of fluids in the tissues. The gentle, rhythmic, pumping, massage movements follow the direction of lymph flow and produce rapid results. It assists the cutaneous lymphatics in picking up and removing not just fluids, but all the waste products, protein particles and debris from our system. It also is successful in breaking fibrosis and fibrotic areas of a lymphodemous limb.)
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
DANCE
one of my favorite tv shows - SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE began again this past thursday nite...it's only audition time, but i love it anyway
in the weeks to come you will see so many kinds of dance and be in awe of what the human body can do. hope you will watch it..... FOX (not FOX NEWS) network thursday nites...
my favorite judge is mia michaels - an extraordinary choreographer and she's not size 2 !!!!!!!
.... i found these words she used in a magazine article and i thought them worth sharing.......
Why do we dance? Why does our body want to move and pulse with every rise and fall of the music that invades our ears? Are we a product of a the thousand and one classes and a lifetime of training, or is dance a purely instinctual and primal experience that happens internally only when we allow it? I would only hope that both reasons intertwined with respect and nurturing are the answer. Or is it a gift that's given by a much higher power than ourselves? That would be beautiful.
Allowing movement to come through us in the form of pure energy and onto a highly trained yet raw instrument is what defines the ultimate dancer. One that knows how to pull from technique and also when to leave technique alone and head straight to the heart of the matter. One that knows how to pull from the rawness and humanness that would drip from their own personal journey through this world and allows the real movement to come from the inside out.That is beautiful.
It is so easy to hide behind steps It's much deeper than that. Our goal should not just be to perfect what a choreographer gives us but also to allow our own unique voice as a dancer artist to come through and marry to the energy of the choreographer. That is beautiful.
Then again, let's think about some of the most simple and beautiful images of dance. A young child is jumping freely to music, laughing and giggling with such purity and with no fear of judgment. An older couple, fragile yet safe in each others arms, slowly try to keep up with their favorite song from a time earlier in their lives as they reminisce through all the years with each step. That is beautiful.
If everyone danced from their heart and purity of spirit, using free movement as a daily practice and meditation, there would be no more wars. I believe every breathing thing has been given the gift of dance and movement. So let go, take that deep breath and dance! That is beautiful!
Mia Michaels
in the weeks to come you will see so many kinds of dance and be in awe of what the human body can do. hope you will watch it..... FOX (not FOX NEWS) network thursday nites...
my favorite judge is mia michaels - an extraordinary choreographer and she's not size 2 !!!!!!!
.... i found these words she used in a magazine article and i thought them worth sharing.......
Why do we dance? Why does our body want to move and pulse with every rise and fall of the music that invades our ears? Are we a product of a the thousand and one classes and a lifetime of training, or is dance a purely instinctual and primal experience that happens internally only when we allow it? I would only hope that both reasons intertwined with respect and nurturing are the answer. Or is it a gift that's given by a much higher power than ourselves? That would be beautiful.
Allowing movement to come through us in the form of pure energy and onto a highly trained yet raw instrument is what defines the ultimate dancer. One that knows how to pull from technique and also when to leave technique alone and head straight to the heart of the matter. One that knows how to pull from the rawness and humanness that would drip from their own personal journey through this world and allows the real movement to come from the inside out.That is beautiful.
It is so easy to hide behind steps It's much deeper than that. Our goal should not just be to perfect what a choreographer gives us but also to allow our own unique voice as a dancer artist to come through and marry to the energy of the choreographer. That is beautiful.
Then again, let's think about some of the most simple and beautiful images of dance. A young child is jumping freely to music, laughing and giggling with such purity and with no fear of judgment. An older couple, fragile yet safe in each others arms, slowly try to keep up with their favorite song from a time earlier in their lives as they reminisce through all the years with each step. That is beautiful.
If everyone danced from their heart and purity of spirit, using free movement as a daily practice and meditation, there would be no more wars. I believe every breathing thing has been given the gift of dance and movement. So let go, take that deep breath and dance! That is beautiful!
Mia Michaels
WORD FOR THE DAY
Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.
Emily Dickinson
www.gratefulness.org
Saturday, May. 24
www.gratefulness.org
Saturday, May. 24
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
one more challenge
the pain from my broken shoulder has flared up probably because the physical therapy treatment switched over to lymphedema treatment... of course it's the same arm as the lymphedema so it's a real trauma for me to be so swollen and in a lot of pain.....
some days it's pretty overwhelming.....sunday ben was here to play in the water and Liam came to stay overnite as he had no school monday - so i got my fix of joy being with little boys and putting the pain aside for a while....
Thursday, May 15, 2008
TMI
this may be too much information for some of you but writing about it helps me to process what has become a nightmarish aftermath of the breast cancer....
yes, the cancer is gone - yes i'm alive and for this i am grateful....
that however does not diminish the current discomfort....
the lymphedema has gotten worse and is causing such discomfort, now more pain and the need for finding ways to adjust to not being able to wear certain clothes....
it has spread pretty badly to my breast and underarm and so i am unable to wear any of my bras which affects the clothes i can wear....
i saw my breast surgeon today who checked for any infection- there is none - she just says it is so full of fluid that it looks infected - besides the swelling it is very hot and red and ugly...i'm not worried about the ugly
as i'm the only one who sees it - :-( and i will spare you all a picture :-)
but the swelling and pain is something else
they are talking about some new fangled garment for the breast that will provide compression and move the fluid and i need to start a newer MLD (manual lymphatic drainage) therapy with the physical therapist 3x weekly and then every day at home myself.....
the hot weather and the horrible sleeve i'm supposed to have on 23 hours a day are not compatible.. as it gets soaking wet from perspiration and that can cause bacteria to grow inside of it !!!!
this is a very discouraging path..... pain and fluid and now more pain and fluid..... on top of the pain cause by the medication that is necessary for 5 years....
i try hard to forget about it but only having the use of 1 arm is a pretty strong reminder
and this 101 degree weather is not helping at all.....!
yes, the cancer is gone - yes i'm alive and for this i am grateful....
that however does not diminish the current discomfort....
the lymphedema has gotten worse and is causing such discomfort, now more pain and the need for finding ways to adjust to not being able to wear certain clothes....
it has spread pretty badly to my breast and underarm and so i am unable to wear any of my bras which affects the clothes i can wear....
i saw my breast surgeon today who checked for any infection- there is none - she just says it is so full of fluid that it looks infected - besides the swelling it is very hot and red and ugly...i'm not worried about the ugly
as i'm the only one who sees it - :-( and i will spare you all a picture :-)
but the swelling and pain is something else
they are talking about some new fangled garment for the breast that will provide compression and move the fluid and i need to start a newer MLD (manual lymphatic drainage) therapy with the physical therapist 3x weekly and then every day at home myself.....
the hot weather and the horrible sleeve i'm supposed to have on 23 hours a day are not compatible.. as it gets soaking wet from perspiration and that can cause bacteria to grow inside of it !!!!
this is a very discouraging path..... pain and fluid and now more pain and fluid..... on top of the pain cause by the medication that is necessary for 5 years....
i try hard to forget about it but only having the use of 1 arm is a pretty strong reminder
and this 101 degree weather is not helping at all.....!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !!!!!
I am so gratefull to be alive and celebrating with family and friends....
my life is filled with blessings (not including the arm sleeve !!!!!)
and i plan on many more years to celebrate......
i've picked 105 as a good number ....!!!!!!
THANK YOU for all your special wishes and good thoughts!
Sunday, May 04, 2008
!@#$%^&*()_++_)(*&^%$#@! SLEEVE
my custom made sleeve has arrived and with it a new set of challenges and untold stress. it's uncomfortable, hot , clumsy, heavy, in the way and something i may have to contend with forever....
hopefully if i wear it the prescribed 23 0f 24 hours daily for a while the swelling may get under control and then the lightweight spandex type sleeve and glove will suffice during the day and this monstrosity will only be necessary at night.....
if i don't wear this, the lymphedema could get much worse and some people even lose the use of the affected limb.... i can't afford that !!!!! so am trying my damndest to get used to this.....
"they" say "why me" isn't a good question to ask but at the moment it's the one i'm asking .....
the use of this arm is quite limited with the sleeve on..... i do take it off to eat - otherwise i would have food all over it..... it is washable but don't want to wear it out before its time......
i don't have the bill yet but am hoping my secondary insurance will pick up part of the $450 !!!!!!! since medicare doesn't think this a cancer treatment !! and won't pay for any of it.....
hopefully if i wear it the prescribed 23 0f 24 hours daily for a while the swelling may get under control and then the lightweight spandex type sleeve and glove will suffice during the day and this monstrosity will only be necessary at night.....
if i don't wear this, the lymphedema could get much worse and some people even lose the use of the affected limb.... i can't afford that !!!!! so am trying my damndest to get used to this.....
"they" say "why me" isn't a good question to ask but at the moment it's the one i'm asking .....
the use of this arm is quite limited with the sleeve on..... i do take it off to eat - otherwise i would have food all over it..... it is washable but don't want to wear it out before its time......
i don't have the bill yet but am hoping my secondary insurance will pick up part of the $450 !!!!!!! since medicare doesn't think this a cancer treatment !! and won't pay for any of it.....
Friday, May 02, 2008
no time......
for all of us who say we have too much to do.....
too many things on our lists, too many appointments, feeling overwhelmed, no free time....I try to remember this poem by this amazing poet....
When they say Don't I know you?_
say no.__
When they invite you to the party_
remember what parties are like _
before answering._
Someone telling you in a loud voice_
they once wrote a poem._
Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate._
Then reply.__
If they say We should get together_
say why?__
It's not that you don't love them anymore._
You're trying to remember something_
too important to forget._
Trees. The monastery bell at twilight._
Tell them you have a new project._
It will never be finished.__
When someone recognizes you in a grocery store_
nod briefly and become a cabbage._
When someone you haven't seen in ten years_
appears at the door,_
don't start singing him all your new songs._
You will never catch up.__
Walk around feeling like a leaf._
Know you could tumble any second._
Then decide what to do with your time.
too many things on our lists, too many appointments, feeling overwhelmed, no free time....I try to remember this poem by this amazing poet....
"The Art of Disappearing" by Naomi Shihab Nye
When they say Don't I know you?_
say no.__
When they invite you to the party_
remember what parties are like _
before answering._
Someone telling you in a loud voice_
they once wrote a poem._
Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate._
Then reply.__
If they say We should get together_
say why?__
It's not that you don't love them anymore._
You're trying to remember something_
too important to forget._
Trees. The monastery bell at twilight._
Tell them you have a new project._
It will never be finished.__
When someone recognizes you in a grocery store_
nod briefly and become a cabbage._
When someone you haven't seen in ten years_
appears at the door,_
don't start singing him all your new songs._
You will never catch up.__
Walk around feeling like a leaf._
Know you could tumble any second._
Then decide what to do with your time.
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