TREATMENT DAY

today is the half way mark...and is still a day of such emotion and trepidation.....

morning bird songs the same
coffee ritual the same
shower, get dressed
don the flowered hat
check my healing bag
for all the treasures to take with me
stones, sticks, cards, notes,
music, teddy bears, shawl
check the ipod battery
all the while feeling shaky, unsteady
waiting for marilyn
her hug
her big truck
her unfailing comfort and support
then the ride to the treatment center
my body knowing the next few hours
will be hard, terrifying, anxious, unsteady
up the elevator, trembling
holding on
called to the lab hoping the count is high enough
for treatment
sigh of relief when it is....
into the room to see the dr
tender angel
talks me through the new symptoms
reassures me gently
she sits close reaches out
tells me that she loves my hat
tells me i am brave
tells me i am doing this so well
tells me i am getting through it
tells me she is proud of me.......
then she walks ahead of me
down the hall
to the treatment room
where i connect with this new "family"
all in chairs, old and young
hooked up
sleeping and awake
reading and writing
wrapped in blankets...
the tears were falling
as i enter into this place of
bags dripping,
syringes on trays
toxins dripping into arms and ports
doing their work....
i cannot relax
my nurse is gentle
searching for a good vein
she tenderly says
"it's going great here
we're in...it's all good right now..."
as the pain shoots up my arm
bags attached
and the tears
pour down
dripping all over me
as the dripping above begins
entering my body to go after
any "bad" cells...
she says
i'll get you some tissue
i say
no
please don't
i need to feel the tears
let them drip and flow
wash over me
cleanse
heal
help me face the fear
and grief
that lives in me today...
ipod brings me affirmations
soft music
sad music
dance music
not really calming me
for here in this place
i come to feel and hear and see
the truth of my body and soul's struggle
that is mine for now...