Much needed break

the pain seems to be getting worse....yesterday i resorted to real pain pills....
so seeing my little guys took my mind off the pain...
i went to oakland friday to play with Ben while C&C did some last minute chores before leaving for the airport....
ben decided he wanted to take his baby in the stroller to the playground which is down a steep hill and around a corner...running to keep up with him was quite a challenge but we made it and spent most of the time building sand mountains which allowed me to sit in the shade. I called chris to come and get us so we wouldn't need to climb the hill....Ben needed a wash down with the hose a we really got into the sand....
unfortunately the weather in MN is wet and rainy so they've had to be in gramma and grampa's house a lot....
sunday i went to berkeley to play with ronan and liam while mom and dad did some errands.
they had all spent a week at music camp so i was treated to some clowning routines that tim taught ronan....he was hysterical ...liam was content with his baseball bat.....
little boys sure do bring magic to my heart and sore body.....

PAIN TRAIN

i wish i could get off this pain train but so far it just keeps rolling along.....
i'm trying to dance and it hurts like hell with the joint pain....the rheumatologist upped the prednisone dose but i hate taking more as it's hell on the immune system and very dangerous in terms of breaking bones...
he sent me for some more blood tsts to see if the PMR is flaring or is the pain a result of the the cancer drug Arimidex...i think it's the latter and i have to take it for 5 years.....
i've noticed my knees are in worse shape and my hips and back are very painful
an then there's the damn lymphedema swelling....
i want my life back..... so far it's not in sight.....

Don't like it at all

so here's my lifetime achievment award....finally got the glove part although it's "off the shelf" as the custom fitted one they would like me to have is $300 or more.......so i will try this for a while ...this one was $60 !!! and it gets filthy really quickly....I may try to dye it with tea or something so it will be closer to the arm sleeve in color.... it's hot, it's scratchy, and just a real pain!!! I wash each piece each night and start each day tugging at the arm sleeve to get it on..... a rubber kitchen glove with the little bumps on it is a help to push it up my arm.... so what is it i said a few days ago about it's not over.....!!!! this lymphedema is a lifetime condition although i recently read that it can sometimes go into remission.....so that's my hope.....
hope along with me !!!!!

quote

I teach my sighs to lengthen into songs.

Theodore Roethke

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Sunday, Aug. 12

Pain

every day at least a few people comment to me..."aren't you glad it's over"
but the reality is....... it isn't.
true the horror of chemo and radiation is past but the residual effects and side effects of drugs are still very much with me....
i don't know a day without pain....the broken shoulder pain is still very much alive....
a side effect of Arimidex (the 5 yr drug to prevent recurrence ) causes joint pain which somedays is pretty severe and the PMR pain which I already had is raising its ugly head.
I am trying to dance but it can become excrutiating - but i'm sticking with it so i won't become "frozen" in all my joints....my hope is that one of these days i will be pain free but right now it feels unlikely...
so the "it's over" part is far from the truth......

Belief

I am where I am
because I believe in all possibilities.
- Whoopie Goldberg

next challenge

the lymphedema therapists feel that i definitely need the glove.....i was hoping against all hope that i wouldn't need it but my fingers and hand are still pretty swollen and need the compression.
so it's a another 30 mile trip to get fitted and believe it or not the glove is more expensive than the sleeve ! the thoughts of having my hand covered is daunting and what will i do about all the rings i wear !!!!!!

GRATITUDE

Ironically, gratitude's most powerful mysteries are often revealed when we are struggling in the midst of personal turmoil. Sarah Ban Breathnach
Some of the things I am grateful for today: there are many more.......
* 3 little boys who bring me laughter and joy
* my incredible sons and equally incredible wives
* the huge black bumble bee buzzing in the holly hocks as i type
* the dozens of baby tomatoes already ripe in my garden
* fresh blooms of the "angel Face" rose this morning
* the chance to see my friend Mark perform
* soft green sheets to rest upon
* "So You Think You Can Dance " on tv tonite
* My cup of Peet's coffee
* the smell of fresh basil coming thru my window
* reconnecting with a college friend from 40 years ago!
* lavender and lemongrass and rosemary to pick for the kitchen
* the dozens of birds at the feeder