the earth moved......

last night i experienced my first earthquake.... it was 5.6...
in the big one of 1989, i was driving and only felt a bump of the tires....
this morning i am still a little queasy......
as the house began to "roll", i forgot everything i was supposed to know.....like what do i do.... i pushed the chair back from the computer and sat paralyzed in the middle of the room....
for one split second i thought i was going to die...
i couldn't breathe or move.....
when things stopped moving i tried to call chris, tim and my sister .....neither the cell or house phone was working except for some strange reason my cell was able to get Christopher - probably because he was in the car..
my whole body shook and i couldn't stop crying for a long time.... i was very surprised at my body's reaction...maybe it was the adrenalin or being alone or being afraid of dying....
i was very afraid to go to bed as my bed is under a window. it made me think about moving my room around but don't want to.....
thankfully everyone is safe - only a few things tipped over...
when the earth moves beneath us - it is such a reminder that life is fragile, short and precious
and the movement of what we think grounds us shakes our very essence.
may we all take a moment to be grateful for those we love and treasure as we hopefully settle back into stillness and peace......

You Call It Hallowe'en... We Call It Samhain

Author: Peg Aloi
Hallowe'en has its origins in the British Isles. While the modern tradition of trick or treat developed in the U. S., it too is based on folk customs brought to this country with Irish immigrants after 1840. Since ancient times in Ireland, Scotland, and England, October 31st has been celebrated as a feast for the dead, and also the day that marks the new year. Mexico observes a Day of the Dead on this day, as do other world cultures. In Scotland, the Gaelic word "Samhain" (pronounced "SAW-win" or "SAW-vane") means literally "summer's end."

This holiday is also known as All Hallows Eve ("hallow" means "sanctify"); Hallowtide; Hallowmass; Hallows; The Day of the Dead; All Soul's Night; All Saints' Day (both on November 1st).

For early Europeans, this time of the year marked the beginning of the cold, lean months to come; the flocks were brought in from the fields to live in sheds until spring. Some animals were slaughtered, and the meat preserved to provide food for winter. The last gathering of crops was known as "Harvest Home, " celebrated with fairs and festivals.

In addition to its agriculture significance, the ancient Celts also saw Samhain as a very spiritual time. Because October 31 lies exactly between the Autumnal Equinox and the Winter Solstice, it is theorized that ancient peoples, with their reliance on astrology, thought it was a very potent time for magic and communion with spirits. The "veil between the worlds" of the living and the dead was said to be at its thinnest on this day; so the dead were invited to return to feast with their loved ones; welcomed in from the cold, much as the animals were brought inside. Ancient customs range from placing food out for dead ancestors, to performing rituals for communicating with those who had passed over.

Communion with the dead was thought to be the work of witches and sorcerers, although the common folk thought nothing of it. Because the rise of the Church led to growing suspicion of the pagan ways of country dwellers, Samhain also became associated with witches, black cats ("familiars" or animal friends), bats (night creatures), ghosts and other "spooky" things...the stereotype of the old hag riding the broomstick is simply a caricature; fairy tales have exploited this image for centuries.

Divination of the future was also commonly practiced at this magically-potent time; since it was also the Celtic New Year, people focused on their desires for the coming year. Certain traditions, such as bobbing for apples, roasting nuts in the fire, and baking cakes which contained tokens of luck, are actually ancient methods of telling fortunes.

So What About Those Jack-O-Lanterns?

Other old traditions have survived to this day; lanterns carved out of pumpkins and turnips were used to provide light on a night when huge bonfires were lit, and all households let their fires go out so they could be rekindled from this new fire; this was believed to be good luck for all households. The name "Jack-O-Lantern" means "Jack of the Lantern, " and comes from an old Irish tale. Jack was a man who could enter neither heaven nor hell and was condemned to wander through the night with only a candle in a turnip for light. Or so goes the legend...

But such folk names were commonly given to nature spirits, like the "Jack in the Green, " or to plants believed to possess magical properties, like "John O' Dreams, " or "Jack in the Pulpit." Irish fairy lore is full of such references. Since candles placed in hollowed-out pumpkins or turnips (commonly grown for food and abundant at this time of year) would produce flickering flames, especially on cold nights in October, this phenomenon may have led to the association of spirits with the lanterns; and this in turn may have led to the tradition of carving scary faces on them. It is an old legend that candle flames which flicker on Samhain night are being touched by the spirits of dead ancestors, or "ghosts."

Okay, What about the Candy?

"Trick or treat" as it is practiced in the U. S. is a complex custom believed to derive from several Samhain traditions, as well as being unique to this country. Since Irish immigrants were predominantly Catholic, they were more likely to observe All Soul's Day. But Ireland's folk traditions die hard, and the old ways of Samhain were remembered. The old tradition of going door to door asking for donations of money or food for the New Year's feast, was carried over to the U. S. from the British Isles. Hogmanay was celebrated January 1st in rural Scotland, and there are records of a "trick or treat" type of custom; curses would be invoked on those who did not give generously; while those who did give from their hearts were blessed and praised. Hence, the notion of "trick or treat" was born (although this greeting was not commonly used until the 1930's in the U. S.). The wearing of costumes is an ancient practice; villagers would dress as ghosts, to escort the spirits of the dead to the outskirts of the town, at the end of the night's celebration.

By the 1920's, "trick or treat" became a way of letting off steam for those urban poor living in crowded conditions. Innocent acts of vandalism (soaping windows, etc.) gave way to violent, cruel acts. Organizations like the Boy Scouts tried to organize ways for this holiday to become safe and fun; they started the practice of encouraging "good" children to visit shops and homes asking for treats, so as to prevent criminal acts. These "beggar's nights" became very popular and have evolved to what we know as Hallowe'en today.

a favorite poet

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

~Naomi Shihab Nye

autumn magic

magic and mystery

as the leaves turn bright
and the roses underneath
still blossom
their fragrance mixing
with the scent of dry leaves
as the wind carries them down
such is the paradox of life
life and death
all in the same moment
i wonder about the secret
of holding both......

autumn glory

no matter how bleak some days may be
no matter how sore my body is
no matter how discouraged I may feel
to awake to this kind of beauty
on a late October morn
brings joy and awe untold...

Weekend adventure

Liam was away visiting his other grandmother - so I had to be happy to have Ben and Ronan for the halloween cookie making adventure....we gathered in C&C's kitchen and mixed and rolled and poured sugar sprinkles to create halloween shapes. This one was a ghost to start with but Ronan is really into Star Wars and added the ears to make a Yoda ghost....
I had a great time......except for the !@#$%^&*()! football traffic on the freeway.....

May I never find myself yawning at life.
— Japanese Christian leader Toyohiko Kagawa quoted in Zen and the Art of Anything by Hal W. French

Here's the Story of the Day:
Random Door
doorway that only lets some stuff through but you never know what it's going to choose, so it's hard to plan for the future

Not myself

So for the last year my life has changed so drastically - even i don't know who i am...i had breast cancer and survived..the cancer and the awful treatments.....
add to that a broken shoulder, Polymyalgia, Lymphedema, daily drugs that cause side effects and pain and my life has surely been different....
i have slowed down tremendously, am always really tired, maybe sleep too much and have lost lots of enthusiasm for lots of things....i also miss my work tremendously....
talking to the counselor provided thru the breast cancer community health project her guess is besides the medications, that my fatigue and blah feelings might be because given my previous life style - i am now understimulated !!!!!! talking about it did make sense....
i spend too much time at home (looking at so much that needs attention - yet no energy to do anything ) so i get overwhelmed......that coupled with dr and physical therapy appts is my life except for the too little time i spend with my little (and big) boys....
So she suggested i get moving and find things to stimulate me.....field trips away from the house.....things i used to do.....
so i have an assignment to do at least one thing this week.....not to overdo - but just 1 thing!!!!
now comes the choosing......

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Monday, Oct. 15

The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

scarecrows and roses

who would've thought....one could have both.... the leaves are falling all around - ms scarecrow stands tall in the garden surrounded by roses !!!! this gorgous blossom greeted me this morning....who would believe such dichotomy? I am grateful for such beauty....

sore and tired

the urologist took out the stent today so i'm a bit more comfortable but sore and for some reason really shaky.....he says I'm fine and that the slivers of stone they lasered will pass on their own and i may have a bit of pain....
i'm beyond tired and stayed in bed most of the day.....hope things settle down for a while.....i'm really tired of tired......

the day after the stone

i am pretty tired and feeling beat up....the laser surgery was short but the before and after seemed endless...thankfully Christopher was able to sit with me for the hour and a half "prep" time....the dr was late so the time was longer than usual. Being wheeled into the operating room was traumatic as it triggered all kinds of fears and anxiety.... I was only there a couple of hours - christine picked me up to come home and EAT..... i hadn't had anything since dinner sunday and this was 4 p.m......
The put a stent in my bladder to keep it open - hopefully that comes out thurs....i'm pretty sore and uncomfortable and way past tired....i wasn't able to sleep last nite..went to bed at 9:30 and at 5:30 a.m. was still tossing and turning.... some due to pain - some due to the taking my prednisone late as i couldn't take it til everything was over....plus they put extra steroids in my IV......i hope i cans sleep today....
am on an antibiotic to prevent infection....
dr appt on thurs so hope that he confirms that everything is OK....
separately my lymphedema has really swelled up - not sure what that's about...
one of these days i hope to be able to say -
wow - i feel great today - able to feel life as i knew it.......
that day is not today......

sunday distraction

stones didn't pass so am off to the kidney stone surgeon....these two angels helped distract me on sunday

Quick update

CT scan showed a kidney stone obstructing the kidney and causing swelling...therefore the high sed rate which is a sign of inflammation..........letting it sit there can cause permanent kidney damage
was sent to urologist this afternoon.....who thinks it's good news (meaning no cancer showing in CT scan)- it is good news from that perspective but i certainly don't need or want this further bump in the road......
solution
medication over the weekend to help it pass on its own or surgery on monday which is already scheduled....it's outpatient -
but i hate the thoughts of anethesia and this whole f!@#$%^&*() mess.......
please join with me in asking the universe to pass this stone before monday......
light all the candles and talk to all good spirits, fairiess, gods, goddesses to ask them to join in that wish.......
i sure wish this bumpy road would smooth out.....

An Anniversary

today marks the 1 yr anniversary of hearing those frightening words from my surgeon
"now we need to talk about breast cancer"
they changed my life forever
now every twinge,
every pain
every slight change in my body
is scary
the year taken out of my life
with drips, and machines, and burns
and no hair
with fear and fatigue
and thousands of tears
with pain and protesting
utter grief and despair
weakness and wondering
terror and trials
family caring for me
friends to quietly listen
all of it mostly a blur....
the first year is gone
passed me by
sometimes inn a fog
sometimes in frustration
sometimes in fear
and now the journey continues...
5 years of preventative medicine
numb fingers and toes
terrible joint pain
ongoing fatigue
a much slowed down life
underlying worry
sagging energy
and simple humble gratitude
i am here
i am blessed
i have survived.....

YUK!

2 quarts of banana barium !!!! at 7:00 a.m........ugh! then wait an hour for it to make its way through my abdomen - then an iodine IV and then the CT scan looking for reasons for my elevated sed rate....i was pretty beat up for the rest of the day as any kind of medical procedure these days does me in........dr appt tomorrow so hope there are some answers.....

fear of the unknown again

3rd blood test still shows sed rate off the charts and dr is still mystified so tomorrow am having a CT scan and chest xray looking for anything that might be going on in my body....
prednisone dose is awful.... not knowing excrutiating......
will it ever end....?