wondering

wondering why i'm so tired...
wondering why my energy level is so low...
wondering why it's so hard to accomplish anything...
and yet i know......
my heart is heavy....my body and soul hurting
the pain of the biopsy incision hurts quite a bit
the swelling of the lymphedema uncomfortable
and the grief of 2 40 yr old friendshiips ending with the death of Inger and Mary B in the last couple of weeks.....
i have to look across the street every day and watch all of what was inger's get taken away, thrown out, packed, trashed etc..... painters, yard workers, contractors by the dozen buzzing around to make the house ready to sell.... it all seems too soon and too fast as if they are
tossing her away with all the "things".
Yes, her spirit lives, but watching the physical things disappear is very hard on my heart..... i can barely yet believe she is not there.....
Mary died yesterday after a month's battle with her body to keep everything working.....
I am honored to have been asked to officiate at her memorial next friday so have been trying to be present to the family as they decide how best to remember this remarkable woman.....
I have not taken the time to grieve as i so easily tell others to do....
i am very aware of the aches in my body and pain in my heart and so i need to take some time to let my feelings take over and the grief show it's horror and reality.....
i have taught myself so well to just keep on going and not take the time i need to grieve any or all of the losses in my life......
i will try harder this weekend to take some time to just let the sorrow surface......