vortex

every day i feel more and more like i am being swept into some kind of vortex where there is no escape....
doctor visits, phone calls, test results, conversations.....all to no avail so far.......
the latest is to cut back on the pain drugs and see what happens
-my internist thinks i need to just wait things out
-my rheumatologist says go ahead and have the procedure
-the surgeon's report to my internist recommends waiting it out....
one of the biggest issues is that there is so much damage and pain in ribs and surrounding vertebrae that the procedure will only begin to address the pain
also i am allergic to the antibiotic which they routinely insert in the glue
-surgery has its risks so why do it if i can "tough it out" for a month or more and see what happens.......
i am very confused about what to do..........so far i am in the throes of waiting which has its own psychological pain.
the drugs i am on are strong narcotics and drain my energy and cause me to want to sleep all the time
i am isolated, and depressed about the whole picture-sometimes days go by without the phone ringing or inbox having any messages but spam......
and the vortex has me dizzy and exhausted.............
to repeat
IT SUCKS !

hang in there

basically the message was -hang in there-healing takes time-pain doesn't seem bad enough to "disable" you or keep you immobile-so if you can tough it out surgery may not be the best bet-xray showed -nothing is worse-can't tell if the vertebrae is healing by an x ray but he pounded on the site and i didn't jump or scream
it's very sore
and there are many things i can't do with this side of my body but he says it will eventually heal......how long?he won't give any kind of timetable - it could be weeks - or months - hopefully not years ......
i have so much cell damage and trauma and bruising in my ribs due to prednisone use that produces lots of pain so it would be almost hard to notice the absence of this one area of pain if i have the surgery
sooooooooo it's wait and see again- he wants to check things out in another month
meanwhile i'm wearing a pain patch which makes me pretty exhausted all the time so my muppet sleighs are still on the fireplace and the bathroom has Christmas angels spread about.......
i am so tired of not doing anything and am feeling very isolated and discouraged that life amounts to restingk, resting and more resting.....and i'm not a tv person and have massive allergy problems in my eyes so can't read.....
basically -it sucks !!!

does it matter that I am...........

Publish Post

and the beat goes on

the pain beat that is........
not much change - vertebrae pain is a bit less
foot is really bad
pain management doctor visit uneventful- she wants me to stay on the fentanyl patch and cut back on oral percoset -
she thinks the surgery isn't really necessary if the pain isn't really bad...
will see surgeon again on friday to take another look

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

valentine's day is a good reminder to me that i need to concentrate on self love - not something we were taught or that is encouraged.....
this poem which i've posted before as it's one of my favorites sums it up perfectly....

WILD GEESE

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

May you find all the ways to love yourself today and always............

does anyone want some more pain?

i meet with the surgeon this fri a.m. to get some more questions answered and then can hopefully make a decision about the fractured vertebrae..... still am on a lot of pain meds but if i don' take them during the day , i can drive short distances to the dr etc........
here is some more news about what the aftermath of prednisone can be for some.......
on sat i awoke with horrific pain in my foot for which i had to wait till mon to see the dr
she did a lab panel thinking it was gout
lab did not diagnose gout...so on to xrays which found heel spurs and a flare up of polymyalgia (remember that ??? it hasn't gone anywhere...)and arthritis
the pain is just awful and i don't need this on top of the vertebrae and other pain......
ice,rest, more pain pills and trying to find relief in a shoe insert.....
i went looking today and found some shoes that have a lot of cushion and are recommended for my "condition" so i bought the on a 30 day money back guarantee
i haven't had a painfree day in months and months and it is taking its toll with fatigue and being really disheartened.......

more stress

my pain meds have me very sleepy and groggy so don't have much energy to write.....
the visit to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday presented basically 2 options....
1
just wait and the fracture will eventually heal on its own -no knowledge of when.....weeks, ?months?
2
a procedure call Kyphoplasty which you can google or read this article.....
the procedure seems simple and non invasive, except that i am terrified of general anesthesia so am real hesitant.
my plan is to ask the surgeon some more questions before making any decision....
the stress of wondering what to do is very debilitating to add to all the other stresses.
i am being weaned off prednisone and can feel the pain of the Polymyalgia quite a bit.....
send energy and strength - i need it......!!!!
blessings to all as i face another mountain to climb with not a lot of energy to do so.......

waiting.....
waiting.......
waiting.........

While we cry ourselves to sleep, gratitude waits patiently to console and reassure us; there is a landscape larger than the one we can see.
Sarah Ban Breathnach