STRANGE BODIES

what strange bodies we have..... i have no way of knowing from one day to the next what mine will do....
yesterday wa a nightmare -a seemingly all day panic attack- spent most of the day in bed restless, crying, shaking and scared......
today i actually got "dressed up" meaning earrings, bracelets and a hat and visited some friends at the dance studio..... It was nice to collect hugs and know I've been missed.
it is very hard not to be able to trust my body as it is hard to make any plans.....
hopefully with the radiation treatments almost over, it will be more secure in its behavior....
I hate the endless panic attacks which come out of no where for no reason.....

SURPRISE

This cactus hasn't bloomed for over 15 years....it belonged to my mother who had it blooming all the time.... it has just sat in the back yard all this time and i wasn't even paying attention to the fact that it had a blossom on it.... to my surprise this beauty greeted me this morning and i noticed a half a dozen more buds....i really believe it is a miracle and hope that it is a sign that the miracle of having my life back is on its way... my breast is raw, blistered and very sore so maybe the beauty of this blossom will ease the pain.....

REST

This was on the zenamoon blog today and I simply stole it.....

Stopping, calming, and resting are preconditions for healing. When animals in the forest are wounded they find a place to lie down and rest completely for many days . . . They just rest and get the healing they need.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

PURE JOY

EMPTY SATURDAY

Empty, disconnected
A long, lonely day
Phone didn’t ring
Not an email from even 1 person
And no snail mail…..
The back yard was full of birds
Their songs sounded mournful
But I know it was my own mourning I was hearing
The squirrels played And I watched
wishing I was playing
The sun was warm – my heart cold
Breeze soft – soul hard
Pruning to be done But no energy
Planting to be done
But body not strong enough
I was glad when night came
And the empty, disconnected
Long, lonely day
Was at an end…..

ONE TINY PLANT

a month ago i bought 6 tomato plants with the idea to plant one each day - surely i could do that....but still they sit in their little pots on the patio and i have had no energy to dig the holes to plant them.
this morning i "made" myself dig 1 hole.... so i now have 1 lone tomato planted.....
then i had to "make" myself quit as i wanted to manically dig all the holes and finish the planting....
tomorrow is another day....
now i'm going to lay down for a while with the hope that i can do a few more chores later today....
i have a 3 day break from radiation with the holiday so hopefully some of the soreness will calm down....
i wish i had the stregth to go somewhere this long weekend......like a trip to see my little boys....

BURNED, RAW BREAST

Here's the Story of the Day:
Enough Worry

There are things I refuse to show you, my mirror told me. You've got enough to worry about already.

from one of my favorite sites

NOTHING.....

i decided to do nothing but my treatment today and spent the rest of the day in bed.....my breast is pretty burned and sore, so it's hard to get comfortable, but i did sleep some.
yesterday after my treatment, I watered all the plants in the back yard and patio, went to the Y, counseling appt., grocery store and my body and psyche had a meltdown last nite.... i hardly got thru watching Dancing with the Stars....
I guess it was too much.... plus my tired poem got to me and i just cried for a long time....
i find it hard to cry very much and i actually think it would do me a lot of good....i wish i could spend a whole day just crying.....instead of my body holding all this.....
i'm hoping the rest today will give me some energy tomorrow.....
blessings and thank you for all your comments....they really help heal my aching spirit.....

TIRED

i'm tired
of tired
tired of weak and wobbly
tired of hot flashes
that make me nauseous
tired of stomach pain
with no apparent reason
tired of burned and sore breast
tingling fingers
tired of no hair
tired of the daily trip
to the grinding machine
that radiates me
that still makes me shake
tired of fear
and anxiety
tired of alone
tired of not being able to do
the simplest chore
tired waiting for a good day
just freaking tired of it all.......

HOLDING ON

yesterday was a lousy day - felt really sick all day - cancelled a lunch date and spent most of the day in bed.....
had gone to the Y on wed and did a little "workout"... took it real easy so don't know if it was that or just another rotten day...don't feel much better this morning.... queasy, shaky, off balance....i wish i knew why...
i am so weary of feeling lousy.....will a good day ever come?
will try to have lunch with friends today....

DAMN MACHINES

i did go back to the ymca cancer recovery program on mon. and the damn machines..... did less on each machine but still got really worn out and didn't feel good all evening....
i will go a few more times before i decide if it is the right thing for me to be doing right now...i will try again tomorrow....and will try to take it easy.... those machines are really intimidating....
but i did do 15 lbs with the leg press !!!

1/2

today marks 1/2 thru the radiation treatments.........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOORAY FOR ME ...!

MOTHER'S DAY

such joy for mother's day...... all my boys,big and little, christa and her parents, peter and judy, deirdre and christine mothered me all day .......i am so blessed to have such loving, compassionate and wondrous people in my life......they bring me nothing but PURE JOY always....
may we all take a moment to give thanks to all those special people - women and men who have mothered us to who we are.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !

Friday my friends took me to lunch and showered me with love and presents and then Christopher brought me dinner and his company so i wouldn't have to be alone....
friends sent flowers, brought flowers, cards and lots of love.
my heart was full knowing i am truly loved.....
my body on the other hand is still a struggle so i did spend the afternoon in bed....
and today (sat) i feel really sick and have a lot of back and leg pain....
so spent even more time in bed....
hoping to have some strength tomorrow for my kids' visit - all my boys - Christa and Deirdre
and Christa's folks - peter and judy visiting from MN and christine.....

NOT TODAY

i called and told the Y i wouldn't be there today....my body is just screaming NO! and i don't think it smart to push and push it....
my daily treatments are still wearing me out and i a having horrific hot flashes so i just can't do it today....
i will try walking around the block when it cools off this evening...but right now i need to rest....
i planted and watered a a few things on the patio this morning and that seems to be all i can do right now....
i am holding the "BOTH/AND" of feeling badly about myself for not going today and good about listening to my body....
why is this all so difficult.....

HELL

Temperature 93 degrees
hot flashes on top of that.....
then off to the air conditioned Y for exercise class.....
every bone in my body didn't want to go....but i did
rode the bike for 15 minutes - did 12 leg presses and 12 leg lifts and nearly collapsed......
"they" say listen to your body - it will never lie
the dr and the trainers say exercise and you will feel much better and get your strength back....
by the end of the hour i was shaking all over and in a complete meltdown crying.....
there is a a/2 hour relaxation meditation at the end which i did go to but couldn't relax.......
i don't know if i can do this......it feels impossible but i will try a couple of more times before i decide if it's working....

teeter-totter

i never did like those things on the playground growing up..... up went one end while the other hit the ground real hard and then heaven forbid the person on the down side got off - i was dropped hard to the ground real hard more than once.....
it feels like that today....haven't felt good all day.... guess i overdid it yesterday.. went for my treatment, then to lunch with my friends, then to the grocery store and drug store....
today i am beat and have a lot of back and leg pain and unexplained nausea....
tried to pick up my bedroom which is such a mess, but lost energy very quickly...
so it's been a down day....
it's very discouraging not to be able to do anything around the house or yard to keep up .......

gratefulness

on this gray rainy day, i took a shower this morning without a panic attack !!!!!!
thank goddess for small things.....although actually this is HUGE.......
please may it not be the only one....

ONE MORE STEP

today was excruciating and very overwhelming but I DID IT !!!! - at least began....
the Y program is all on machines.... huge big over powering machines.... one whole room for cardio and another for strength....
everything is done on a computer for each person so the "program " is individualized....
I have never been on any kind of machine and have no strength at all so of course am at ground zero...all the machines are programmed to my "code" for me....
just getting on them is pretty intimidating so i was more than anxious .....
i only got to do 2 things today -
ride the stationery bike - a huge contraption - the first one I didn't have the strength to get it going so got to do an easier one.....I did it for 12 of the 20 minutes that they'd like.... which i thought was a miracle.
then i did a leg press machine - where you push and pull the legs to lift some kind of weights....
I did 10 lbs for the 6 times they set it for.... ! another miracle.
most of the other people are waaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of me - did more machines etc.... but i'm determined to ignore them..
it seems like a really long road - 12 weeks - 2x a week but they promise it will help me get back on my feet.....
my anxiety level was very high and i shook a lot and am sore tonite.....BUT I DID IT and am VERY PROUD of this step i took.....
my ipod helped a lot.....
it also gets me through the radiation every day.....
Thank you steve jobs !!!!! and christopher.....

WHAT HEALTH CARE COVERAGE MISSES....

misc items that go along with treatment that insurance ought to cover as essentials.....as they truly are essential....
just this week they include:

• aloe vera gel and special lanolin cream to be applied daily to ease the burns from the radiation
• special bras and camisole of cotton so as not to irritate the area
• cotton t-shirts for comfort and ease
• special non-aluminum based deodorant
  
• closed toe exercise shoes for the cancer patient exercise class recommended by the doctor to regain my strength -( i only own sandals !)
  
• socks !! (would you believe i don't own a pair !)
• summer head coverings as the winter ones are way too hot
• heating pad to relieve the back and leg pain
  
• that doesn't even include the wig that i had to get weeks ago

HAPPY MAY DAY !

Chase a butterfly, smell the flowers, run with the wind....
see, smell and taste the beauty of the spring...