www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Monday, Dec. 31

While we cry ourselves to sleep, gratitude waits patiently to console and reassure us; there is a landscape larger than the one we can see. Sarah Ban Breathnach

a love video

Tim performed at his office party......
as part of his preparation for a solo act, he was scanning YouTube for ideas for choreography to fill a sixteen second instrumental break in the karaoke track of Jerry Herman's "We Need a Little Christmas."

While watching Angela Lansbury, Lucille Ball, Mitzi Gaynor, the Purdue University Glee Club, various amateur dance and holiday recitals, and even the Sims(!), he discovered that the instrumental break is a feature for radio (and, apparently karaoke). Most of the live shows skip right past it.

Then he found this homemade music video of the song, done by a local teenager, and starring her family.

And while the actors are self-conscious, the whole thing is done with love.

Way more sincere than the Purdue Glee Club.
When he watched it he said...."
I'm crossing my fingers that when our boys are teenagers, they have the chutzpah to do this un-ironically."

I pass it on as a tribute to all that is good in human nature and hope that families around the world can find peace and krismas love.

another view

Hi friends, I thought you might want to see the response I’ve written for the Newsweek/Washington Post On Faith site, to the question below:

"The U.S. House of Representatives approved HR 847 recognizing the importance of Christianity and Christmas. Would you have voted for this resolution? How would you amend it?
A Pagan’s Christmas Resolution
By Starhawk

Would I vote for a resolution affirming the importance and contributions of Christmas and Christianity? As my readers may have noted, I’m a Pagan, but I’d vote for such a resolution—heck, I’d even introduce it, if it went like this:

“Whereas Christians and Christianity are of undeniable importance in the world and the foundation of this country, in respect for his example and story at this time of year we make the following statements:

“Whereas Jesus Christ was born in a stable because his parents could not find shelter, and whereas in the last weeks we as a nation have allowed the destruction of the last remaining housing for the poor in New Orleans, and whereas our streets are full of the cold and the homeless, we repent of our policies and in his memory commit to housing all who wander without a roof or a welcome in our cities and our towns.

“Whereas Christ was born among the poor, lived and preached to the poor, we repent of the selfishness and shortsightedness that has failed to provide for all of our children, and commit ourselves to provide health care for all children and for all of the poor.

“Whereas Christ commanded us to ‘love our neighbors as ourselves’ we repent of the walls we have drawn across borders, the deaths of those who have tried to cross the deserts in search of a better life, the wall we have supported that cleaves the Holy Land itself in two and confiscates the farmland of the Palestinians, cleaves villages in two, and stands as a lasting monument to our failure to achieve peace, and we commit ourselves to establish justice which alone can provide true security.



“Whereas Christ has been called the Prince of Peace, we repent of our eagerness to use war and violence as the answer to every international situation, of the horrific and destructive war we have waged in Iraq which has claimed tens of thousands of lives, and we commit ourselves to a withdrawal of our armies, to a new foreign policy based on the building of relationships, not the bombing of children, and to fostering and nurturing peace.”
Anything less is just a bunch of empty words, and real Christians must be cringing at the hypocrisy.

If I may quote Jackson Browne’s beautiful song, The Rebel Jesus:

“Now pardon me if I have seemed

To take the tone of judgment

For I've no wish to come between

This day and your enjoyment

In a life of hardship and of earthly toil

There's a need for anything that frees us

So I bid you pleasure

And I bid you cheer

From a heathen and a Pagan

On the side of the rebel Jesus.”

As light is born out of darkness, may hope, love and compassion be kindled this season,

Starhawk

HAPPY SOLSTICE

Read lots more about this holiday here

words i need to hear

yesterday was a particularly hard day with pain and feeling overwhelmed with all the holiday stuff i put on myself..... i think the pain that is constant adds to the overwhelm..... 2 different people that I encountered said soft words that i needed to hear as i can be so hard on myself..
i went to postal plus at the corner to mail a package and the woman there knows me and my journey this past year as i go there instead of the post office whenever i need anything..
in the course of our conversation and her asking me how i was doing - i told her i had my tree finished and Anna Claus and angels in place and that my cards will be late and packages to my family will be late she said "Good for you for doing what makes you feel good and decorating like you want to ..."
Then off to the rheumatologist for a check up on the Polymyalgia.... we talked about the serious pain from that and the cancer prevention drug and he said" you know, you are an awesome woman...to be admired.....you inspire us - with all that is going on in your body, you just keep going!" Soft and gentle words from people who barely know me, but they just entered my heart and lifted my spirits in the moment..... I guess I need to tell myself more often how awesome I am ( of course a lot of it comes from my Taurus stubbornness and my memory of debbie reynolds in the unsinkable molly brown singing I AIN'T DOWN YET !

the pictures aren't great but give an idea of some of the decorating....

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Monday, Dec. 17

One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Oh Christmas tree....

In years gone by, i would go get my tree, drag it into the house, put it in the stand, string hundreds of lights and add lots and lots of ornaments....as the years have progressed, i now have friends help me get the tree - tim and chris get it in the stand and friends drag boxes of lights and decorations from the garage....
it's hard to realize that i cannot do it by myself, but those days are gone forever....particularly this year with the remnants of a broken shoulder, lymphedema, lots of pain an fatigue....
so i'm practicing letting go......it's very hard for me......
this past week chris got the outside lights up which so delight me....
yesterday my friend nicolas spent the day with me dragging boxes from the garage, stringing lights and decorating the tree........not much else is done but i am so happy to be able to see my tree finished.....angels and ms claus are still in the garage....
the mess left behind in the living room will take a few days to clear up but i am going to ask a friend for help.......
friends and i'm sure family wonder why i do all this decorating when i'm here alone for the holidays....but it brings me happiness and joy to be surrounded with the beautiful things i have acquired over the years.... since all former traditions have disappeared or changed, my decorated home is what i can hold onto....

check up

my oncology check ups are every 3 months and yesterday's confirmed that everything is OK.....
surgery scar is still a bit sore -normal
breasts tender - normal
fatigue is still hanging on - normal
pain from Arimidex - normal
blood work - normal
she gave me a new cancer prevention drug to replace the arimidex to see if i would have less pain -it will take a month to see if there is a change.....
good to hear that everything is "normal"even tho i still don't feel "normal"...............

holiday adventures with 3 elves

Liam, Ronan and Ben came down for an overnite adventure to work on christmas projects.....
alas the only one we finished was the cookie baking....
decorating the muppet tree, putting up the manger got sidetracked with a pretend snowball "fight" with the artificial snow that was meant for the manger setting...
once the bag was opened it was a free for all.....thankfully the packaing said non-allergenic and no chemicals....
i'll be pickig up "sowflakes" for weeks....interest spans were short for dressing the muppets and hanging ornaments as outdoors called for wagon rides, driving around the neighborhood after dark to see lights and decorations ( YES !!!!!! 3 car seats in the back seat was quite an adventure of its own !!.......) and watching holiday dvd's took up time....
it was a great time and i need to thank my sister christine for all her help....i couldn't have done it alone..... praise and blessings be to all single parents....

...and the pain goes on

i have 2 physical therapy appts a week to work on restoring strength to the shoulder i broke.... as she works on the muscles and i work on the exercises, it really hurts.... i also realize that the other shoulder that i broke 2 years ago hasn't healed because the therapy was done poorly....so it i'm very sore. i have tight knots and pain in my neck and shoulder blades as they are connected to the injured shoulders. add the pain of the polymyalgia and the side effects of Arimidex which are listed as: Anxiety; Back, bone, breast, joint, pelvic pain; flu-like symptoms (tiredness; muscle aches); headache; hot flashes; sleeplessness; weakness.....
and i spend the days and nights in a lot of pain and am pretty weak. I did manage to buy my christmas tree yesterday with the help of home depot staff and my friend who has a truck....it's laying on its side on the walkway waiting for christopher to put it in the stand - a task i once could do alone.......and wish i could still do...
it's so very hard to have to ask and wait for help....

Remembering

You have to remember to make it all over again every day, the angel said to me.
Otherwise it goes all to hell.

http://www.storypeople.com/

FATIGUE

i am finding that fatigue combined wtih pain is really slowing me down....
one more time i looked up side effects of the drugs i'm taking and the side effects of Polymyalgia and all of the above list fatigue, low energy and pain....
i am sleeping way more hours than before all of this..most days 10-12 hours....so it feels like the day is half over by the time i get up.......this morning i slept thru my physical therapy appt....which i've never done....
wish there were some magic pill that would give me some energy......my head is spinning with things that i want or need to do and my body just won't keep up....it's quite depressing....

UTERINE GOOD NEWS

my OB/GYN just called with results from my uterine utrasound of 2 weeks ago. i have been worried waiting as last year the test showed that the largest of 2 fibroids was growing and that was not good...i was also told that if it continued to grow, a hysterectomy might be in order......
IT HAS SHRUNK!!!!!!! and the smaller ones have also shrunk.... and all other ovary and uterus parts seem to look ok....
Because i am no longer on hormones and am taking Arimidex (for 5 years so that the recurrence of cancer is lessened),the dr feels the shrinkage is due to those 2 things...
so now I will just have an annual ultrasound to be sure the shrinkage continues......
meanwhile the Arimidex can cause and is seemingly causing a lot of pain in my joints and head....
coupled with the POLYMYALGIA pain and the residual pain from the broken shoulders....... it's pretty discouraging.....
i'd sure like to feel a painfree day.....

but HOORAY FOR SHRUNKEN FIBROIDS

my attempt to capture the moon.....

I think over again my small adventures, my fears, those small ones that seemed so big, all those vital things I had to get and to reach, and yet there is only one great thing: to live and see the great day that dawns, and the light that fills the world

Old Innuit Song

Gathered in the back yard...

Whenever I experience something beautiful, I am with Soul. That moment of inward breath, that pause and awareness of "how beautiful this is" is a prayer of appreciation, a moment of gratitude in which I behold beauty and am one with it. I have come to appreciate that having an aesthetic eye takes me effortlessly into soul. — Jean Shinoda Bolen in Handbook for the Soul

A New adventure

because there were only christa,chris and myself for a turkey dinner , we decided to order the full meal from Whole Foods grocery store.... its a great place for fine fresh food all the time so thought we'd give it a try....Chris ordered online and picked it up all packed in a box on wed.....
it was super delicious and all prepared except to heat up the turkey and side dishes.
they provided a whole turkey, and all the fixings, gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce and also mashed potatoes, green beans with herb butter, rolls, and a whole fresh baked pumpkin pie....everything was outstanding and we all came to the table without stress and tired bodies from standing in the kitchen all day....ben didn't want to try the traditional fare....but did try pumpkin pie for the first time and LOVED IT ....
as i said in my last post - change is constant and this certainly was a very different way of celebrating the traditional dinner ... but it worked out wonderfully - we all loved the food and it was as good as anything we would have prepared.....
not sure why the picture is so red...... flash must have been off or something.....
all the leaves were from the yard and the bittersweet i ordered from ebay.
we cant grow it here and i really miss it having lived on the east coast where it grows wild.....

Gratitude

I once took a class from this person - Brother David Steindl-rast...he is a deeply spiritual person and you can find out more about him here. For Thanksgiving I thought you might enjoy his gratitude meditation video may we remember to be grateful for all the gifts bestowed upon us....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

CHANGE

some of you may be tired of pictures of roses and trees - however i never cease to be amazed at their beauty....my japanese maple has completely turned red and soon it will be stripped naked and i will miss its morning greeting ..... i need to pay attention to these changes so that changes in my life will not seem so hard when they happen..... my life has completely changed in this last year and it is so difficult to accept most of the time.... sunday we were playing "basketball" on the patio with ben ronan and liam..... ben said "nana, pick me up -i want to throw the ball in the hoop" ...i reached down to get him and then realized that i'm not able to pick him up high enough to shoot a basket.... i had to tell him that he needed to ask uncle tim to pick him up...it was a horrible moment and even now as i write this the tears are falling and i'm very sad.... thanksgiving will be another change as deirdre,tim, ronan and liam will be in riverside with deirdre's mom so it will be quiet and small with christa, chris and ben..... i will miss having everyone here even tho i understand that deirdre's mom deserves time with her precious grandsons and deirdre and tim..........

joy

I think we need a new word — "comjoyment" — as a companion to "compassion" to remind us that our greatest gift to the world may be in sharing what gives us the greatest joy.
— Sam Keen in Learning to Fly

a new worry

wednesday i went for an ultrasound to check out 2 large fibroids on my uterus.
fibroids are benign...however if they begin to grow they as my obgyn says, they are "talking to us " and we need to pay attention. they cannot be removed only a hysterectomy solves the problem...
they have been there a few years and grew just a little last year....then i put them totally out of my mind during the breast cancer ordeal and now it was time to go back and check on them....
the technician was very gentle and sweet - the internal wand used to take the pictures is very invasive nd uncomfortable but she was very compassionate.
i won't know the results yet and am holding all good thoughts that they have just gone to sleep and are not saying anything......join me in holding such thoughts....
i am scared and worried till i get the results.....
yesterday i had ben here for a play day so i was focused on the joy of an amazng 3 yr old to distract my fears......... we had a lot of fun creating stories and acting them out.... and also some rest...... he took a nap and so i laid down for a while.....

the pain pit

my shoulder and arm are getting a bit stronger but i think i have a long way to go to get my strength back.....the 2x weekly phy. therapy now involves a lot more exercise which can be excrutiating.... after the exercise for 30 minutes, the therapist does some soft tissue work and then i'm attached to the TENS machine and pretty much wrapped in ice....it all feels good while it's happening but the rest of the day - i am pretty sore.....
i've cut back on my prednisone dose so i am also experiencing more pain from the PMR and the arimidex drug.......
i wonder if i will ever have a pain free day or nite.....

It's funny how many of our problems result from our entirely unrealistic expectations of what Life is Supposed to be Like. I don't see inscribed anywhere on my birth certificate a promise that life was going to be easy or simple — and yet a part of me deeply resents the fact that it isn't easy or simple, as though I had a right to that.
— Molly Wolf in A Place Like Any Other

morning glory

this is what greets me in the morning as i raise my bedroom shade....a tree i planted a few years ago to remind me of the east where leaves change.... i didn't know the leaves did this - i bought it because when it blooms it has large white "snowball" flowers that we had in our yard growing up.....i didn't remember the leaves changing.... when i see it - besides being in awe of the beauty, i need to remind myself how my life has changed this year.... how i've had to change how i live at so many levels... how i face struggle and pain...how i try to begin a different life's journey... i have a fierce grief about not having my job - i miss it terribly - i have frustration at my body not being what it used to be i have lonliness at being home so much i have fear with every new pain i have fatigue i never had i have helplessness at all there is to do in the house and yard soon the leaves will fall and new buds will begin to form i wonder if there are buds of new life coming my way... meanwhile i dwell in this present beauty.

arms

with both arms in pain, the physical therapist is working hard to bring back the strength and ease the pain....
besides manipulating the areas, she is using a TENS machine (for those of you who are interested you can read about it here)
it has helped and she is going to see if Medicare will provide one for home use...they're very expensive evidently and need a dr. prescription....my internist isn't convinced they are helpful but i intend to talk more about it to her....
i am currently spending a lot of time wrapped in ice!!!

falling..........

no one, not even i can believe that i fell on mon and really hurt my "good " arm - that is the left one which i broke 2 years ago and which still gives me trouble.....
thankfully i fell in the house on top of the sleeping bags i was putting away from the boys' sleep over....
it was the "spare room" otherwise known as the room full of STUFF so it's my own fault for having so much clutter.....
my physical therapist worked on it yesterday and checked to see if she thought anything was broken.....thankfully not.....but it sure hurts..... i've been icing it along with the other shoulder which isn't completely healed yet.....
and then there's the swelling of the right arm and hand from the lymphedema which also compromises their use.
what is the universe trying to tell me about falling and not having "good" arms to use....both of them are quite underachieving..........

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Tuesday, Nov. 6

Compassionate action starts with seeing yourself when you start to make yourself right and when you start to make yourself wrong. At that point you could just contemplate the fact that there is a larger alternative to either of those, a more tender, shaky kind of place where you could live.
Pema Chodron

Pajama party

1st time ever that i had all 3 boys for a sleep over..... what a wonderful day and nite..... they were more than angels and brought me joy beyond belief......they are truly signs of fantastic parenting..
i'm sure some days their mom and dad find it hard to believe but i have the proof !!!!! I did not have 1 minute of any discord or trouble......
the leave piles added to the fun and left over halloween candy was a hit for dessert....
aunt christine came for dinner and baths and sleeping bag time and was a BIG help..
the first wake up was 4 a.m. asking for breakfast..... !!!!! that didn't happen....
all 3 were up ready to play at 6:30 which was then 5:30 because of DST....
this is one tired nana.....
i plan to sleep in tomorrow and took a nap this afternoon....

a little good...a little not so good

rheumatologist visit today cut back some on the prednisone as the PMR (polymyalgia rheumatica) seems to be a bit less troublesome..... it's hard to tell as the medication to prevent cancer recurrence that i am taking causes joint pain as does PMR.
not so good - the swelling in my hand and arm from the lymphedema seems worse while wearing the sleeve and glove so something isn't right....need to find out why....
also he prescribed a new pain medication which the pharmacy discovered can cause seizures if taken with the medications i am already taking..... so can't have it.....
back to the tylenol which i am taking way too much of as it can raise havoc with one's liver.....
one step forward.....one step back....the roller coaster ride continues.....

Día de los Muertos

One of the things I miss about my job working for a grief counseling agency is the opportunity to build an altar and celebrate a ritual to commemorate Día de los Muertos - The Day of the Dead. This is the last altar I created.
Take some time in the next few days to remember our loved ones who have died.

Honoring those gone but not forgotten

Her face is unforgettable and she goes by many names: La Catrina, la Flaca, la Huesuda, la Pelona--Fancy Lady, Skinny, Bony, Baldy. A fixture in Mexican society, she's not some trendy fashion model, but La Muerte--Death.

Renowned writer Octavio Paz observes that, undaunted by death, the Mexican has no qualms about getting up close and personal with death, noting that he "...chases after it, mocks it, courts it, hugs it, sleeps with it; it is his favorite plaything and his most lasting love."

November 1, All Saints Day, and November 2, All Souls Day are marked throughout Mexico by a plethora of intriguing customs that vary widely according to the ethnic roots of each region. Common to all, however, are colorful adornments and lively reunions at family burial plots, the preparation of special foods, offerings laid out for the departed on commemorative altars and religious rites that are likely to include noisy fireworks.

In most localities November 1 is set aside for remembrance of deceased infants and children, often referred to as angelitos (little angels). Those who have died as adults are honored November 2.

From mid-October through the first week of November, markets and shops all over Mexico are replete with the special accouterments for the Dia de Muertos (Day of the Dead). These include all manner of skeletons and other macabre toys; intricate tissue paper cut-outs called papel picado; elaborate wreaths and crosses decorated with paper or silk flowers; candles and votive lights; and fresh seasonal flowers, particularly cempazuchiles (marigolds) and barro de obispo (cockscomb). Among the edible goodies offered are skulls, coffins and the like made from sugar, chocolate or amaranth seeds and special baked goods, notably sugary sweet rolls called pan de muerto that come in various sizes invariably topped with bits of dough shaped like bones and, in some regions, unadorned dark breads molded into humanoid figures called animas (souls). All of these goods are destined for the buyer's ofrenda de muertos (offering to the dead).

At home members of the family might use the purchases to elaborate an altar in honor of deceased relatives, decorating it with papel picado, candles, flowers, photographs of the departed, candy skulls inscribed with the name of the deceased, and a selection of his or her favorite foods and beverages. The latter often include bottles of beer or tequila, cups of atole (corn gruel) or coffee, and fresh water, as well as platters of rice, beans, chicken or meat in mole sauce, candied pumpkin or sweet potatoes and the aforementioned breads.

The spirits of the dead are expected to pay a holiday visit home and should be provided with an enticing repast and adequate sustenance for the journey. Frequently a wash basin and clean hand towel are provided so that visiting souls can freshen up before the feast. The offering may also include a pack of cigarettes for the after-dinner enjoyment of former smokers, or a selection of toys and extra sweets for deceased children.

In setting up the altar, a designated area of the home is cleared of its normal furnishings. The arrangement often consists of a table and several overturned wooden crates placed in tiers and covered with clean linens. The offerings are then laid out in an artistic and fairly symmetrical fashion. The smell of burning copal (incense) and the light of numerous candles are intended to help the departed find their way.

Meanwhile, at the family burial plot in the local cemetery, relatives spruce up each gravesite. In rural villages this may entail cutting down weeds that have sprouted up during the rainy season, as well as giving tombs a fresh coat of paint after making any needed structural repairs. The graves are then decorated according to local custom. The tomb may be simply adorned by a cross formed of marigold petals or elaborately embellished with colorful coronas (wreaths) and fresh or artificial floral arrangements. In many areas children's graves are festooned with brightly colored paper streamers or other festive adornments.

On November 2 family members gather at the cemetery for gravesite reunions more festive than somber. Some bring along picnic baskets, bottles of tequila for toasting the departed or even a mariachi band to lead a heartfelt sing-along. Local merchants set up provisional stands outside the cemetery gates to sell food and drinks. The booming reports of pyrontechnic rockets may announce the commencement of an open-air memorial mass, the ocassion's most solemn interlude.

While death is a topic largely avoided in the USA, the remembrance of deceased ancestors and loved ones is traditional among diverse cultures around the globe, often marked by lighting candles or lamps and laying out offerings of food and drink. Such celebrations can be traced back as far as the glory days of ancient Egypt when departed souls were honored during the great festival of Osiris.

In Mexico the Day of the Dead is a holiday that tends to be a subject of fascination for visitors from abroad. With its rare mix of pre-Hispanic and Roman Catholic rituals, it is also a perfect illustration of the synthesis of pre-Hispanic and Spanish cultures that has come to define the country and its people.

the earth moved......

last night i experienced my first earthquake.... it was 5.6...
in the big one of 1989, i was driving and only felt a bump of the tires....
this morning i am still a little queasy......
as the house began to "roll", i forgot everything i was supposed to know.....like what do i do.... i pushed the chair back from the computer and sat paralyzed in the middle of the room....
for one split second i thought i was going to die...
i couldn't breathe or move.....
when things stopped moving i tried to call chris, tim and my sister .....neither the cell or house phone was working except for some strange reason my cell was able to get Christopher - probably because he was in the car..
my whole body shook and i couldn't stop crying for a long time.... i was very surprised at my body's reaction...maybe it was the adrenalin or being alone or being afraid of dying....
i was very afraid to go to bed as my bed is under a window. it made me think about moving my room around but don't want to.....
thankfully everyone is safe - only a few things tipped over...
when the earth moves beneath us - it is such a reminder that life is fragile, short and precious
and the movement of what we think grounds us shakes our very essence.
may we all take a moment to be grateful for those we love and treasure as we hopefully settle back into stillness and peace......

You Call It Hallowe'en... We Call It Samhain

Author: Peg Aloi
Hallowe'en has its origins in the British Isles. While the modern tradition of trick or treat developed in the U. S., it too is based on folk customs brought to this country with Irish immigrants after 1840. Since ancient times in Ireland, Scotland, and England, October 31st has been celebrated as a feast for the dead, and also the day that marks the new year. Mexico observes a Day of the Dead on this day, as do other world cultures. In Scotland, the Gaelic word "Samhain" (pronounced "SAW-win" or "SAW-vane") means literally "summer's end."

This holiday is also known as All Hallows Eve ("hallow" means "sanctify"); Hallowtide; Hallowmass; Hallows; The Day of the Dead; All Soul's Night; All Saints' Day (both on November 1st).

For early Europeans, this time of the year marked the beginning of the cold, lean months to come; the flocks were brought in from the fields to live in sheds until spring. Some animals were slaughtered, and the meat preserved to provide food for winter. The last gathering of crops was known as "Harvest Home, " celebrated with fairs and festivals.

In addition to its agriculture significance, the ancient Celts also saw Samhain as a very spiritual time. Because October 31 lies exactly between the Autumnal Equinox and the Winter Solstice, it is theorized that ancient peoples, with their reliance on astrology, thought it was a very potent time for magic and communion with spirits. The "veil between the worlds" of the living and the dead was said to be at its thinnest on this day; so the dead were invited to return to feast with their loved ones; welcomed in from the cold, much as the animals were brought inside. Ancient customs range from placing food out for dead ancestors, to performing rituals for communicating with those who had passed over.

Communion with the dead was thought to be the work of witches and sorcerers, although the common folk thought nothing of it. Because the rise of the Church led to growing suspicion of the pagan ways of country dwellers, Samhain also became associated with witches, black cats ("familiars" or animal friends), bats (night creatures), ghosts and other "spooky" things...the stereotype of the old hag riding the broomstick is simply a caricature; fairy tales have exploited this image for centuries.

Divination of the future was also commonly practiced at this magically-potent time; since it was also the Celtic New Year, people focused on their desires for the coming year. Certain traditions, such as bobbing for apples, roasting nuts in the fire, and baking cakes which contained tokens of luck, are actually ancient methods of telling fortunes.

So What About Those Jack-O-Lanterns?

Other old traditions have survived to this day; lanterns carved out of pumpkins and turnips were used to provide light on a night when huge bonfires were lit, and all households let their fires go out so they could be rekindled from this new fire; this was believed to be good luck for all households. The name "Jack-O-Lantern" means "Jack of the Lantern, " and comes from an old Irish tale. Jack was a man who could enter neither heaven nor hell and was condemned to wander through the night with only a candle in a turnip for light. Or so goes the legend...

But such folk names were commonly given to nature spirits, like the "Jack in the Green, " or to plants believed to possess magical properties, like "John O' Dreams, " or "Jack in the Pulpit." Irish fairy lore is full of such references. Since candles placed in hollowed-out pumpkins or turnips (commonly grown for food and abundant at this time of year) would produce flickering flames, especially on cold nights in October, this phenomenon may have led to the association of spirits with the lanterns; and this in turn may have led to the tradition of carving scary faces on them. It is an old legend that candle flames which flicker on Samhain night are being touched by the spirits of dead ancestors, or "ghosts."

Okay, What about the Candy?

"Trick or treat" as it is practiced in the U. S. is a complex custom believed to derive from several Samhain traditions, as well as being unique to this country. Since Irish immigrants were predominantly Catholic, they were more likely to observe All Soul's Day. But Ireland's folk traditions die hard, and the old ways of Samhain were remembered. The old tradition of going door to door asking for donations of money or food for the New Year's feast, was carried over to the U. S. from the British Isles. Hogmanay was celebrated January 1st in rural Scotland, and there are records of a "trick or treat" type of custom; curses would be invoked on those who did not give generously; while those who did give from their hearts were blessed and praised. Hence, the notion of "trick or treat" was born (although this greeting was not commonly used until the 1930's in the U. S.). The wearing of costumes is an ancient practice; villagers would dress as ghosts, to escort the spirits of the dead to the outskirts of the town, at the end of the night's celebration.

By the 1920's, "trick or treat" became a way of letting off steam for those urban poor living in crowded conditions. Innocent acts of vandalism (soaping windows, etc.) gave way to violent, cruel acts. Organizations like the Boy Scouts tried to organize ways for this holiday to become safe and fun; they started the practice of encouraging "good" children to visit shops and homes asking for treats, so as to prevent criminal acts. These "beggar's nights" became very popular and have evolved to what we know as Hallowe'en today.

a favorite poet

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

~Naomi Shihab Nye

autumn magic

magic and mystery

as the leaves turn bright
and the roses underneath
still blossom
their fragrance mixing
with the scent of dry leaves
as the wind carries them down
such is the paradox of life
life and death
all in the same moment
i wonder about the secret
of holding both......

autumn glory

no matter how bleak some days may be
no matter how sore my body is
no matter how discouraged I may feel
to awake to this kind of beauty
on a late October morn
brings joy and awe untold...

Weekend adventure

Liam was away visiting his other grandmother - so I had to be happy to have Ben and Ronan for the halloween cookie making adventure....we gathered in C&C's kitchen and mixed and rolled and poured sugar sprinkles to create halloween shapes. This one was a ghost to start with but Ronan is really into Star Wars and added the ears to make a Yoda ghost....
I had a great time......except for the !@#$%^&*()! football traffic on the freeway.....

May I never find myself yawning at life.
— Japanese Christian leader Toyohiko Kagawa quoted in Zen and the Art of Anything by Hal W. French

Here's the Story of the Day:
Random Door
doorway that only lets some stuff through but you never know what it's going to choose, so it's hard to plan for the future

Not myself

So for the last year my life has changed so drastically - even i don't know who i am...i had breast cancer and survived..the cancer and the awful treatments.....
add to that a broken shoulder, Polymyalgia, Lymphedema, daily drugs that cause side effects and pain and my life has surely been different....
i have slowed down tremendously, am always really tired, maybe sleep too much and have lost lots of enthusiasm for lots of things....i also miss my work tremendously....
talking to the counselor provided thru the breast cancer community health project her guess is besides the medications, that my fatigue and blah feelings might be because given my previous life style - i am now understimulated !!!!!! talking about it did make sense....
i spend too much time at home (looking at so much that needs attention - yet no energy to do anything ) so i get overwhelmed......that coupled with dr and physical therapy appts is my life except for the too little time i spend with my little (and big) boys....
So she suggested i get moving and find things to stimulate me.....field trips away from the house.....things i used to do.....
so i have an assignment to do at least one thing this week.....not to overdo - but just 1 thing!!!!
now comes the choosing......

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Monday, Oct. 15

The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

scarecrows and roses

who would've thought....one could have both.... the leaves are falling all around - ms scarecrow stands tall in the garden surrounded by roses !!!! this gorgous blossom greeted me this morning....who would believe such dichotomy? I am grateful for such beauty....

sore and tired

the urologist took out the stent today so i'm a bit more comfortable but sore and for some reason really shaky.....he says I'm fine and that the slivers of stone they lasered will pass on their own and i may have a bit of pain....
i'm beyond tired and stayed in bed most of the day.....hope things settle down for a while.....i'm really tired of tired......

the day after the stone

i am pretty tired and feeling beat up....the laser surgery was short but the before and after seemed endless...thankfully Christopher was able to sit with me for the hour and a half "prep" time....the dr was late so the time was longer than usual. Being wheeled into the operating room was traumatic as it triggered all kinds of fears and anxiety.... I was only there a couple of hours - christine picked me up to come home and EAT..... i hadn't had anything since dinner sunday and this was 4 p.m......
The put a stent in my bladder to keep it open - hopefully that comes out thurs....i'm pretty sore and uncomfortable and way past tired....i wasn't able to sleep last nite..went to bed at 9:30 and at 5:30 a.m. was still tossing and turning.... some due to pain - some due to the taking my prednisone late as i couldn't take it til everything was over....plus they put extra steroids in my IV......i hope i cans sleep today....
am on an antibiotic to prevent infection....
dr appt on thurs so hope that he confirms that everything is OK....
separately my lymphedema has really swelled up - not sure what that's about...
one of these days i hope to be able to say -
wow - i feel great today - able to feel life as i knew it.......
that day is not today......

sunday distraction

stones didn't pass so am off to the kidney stone surgeon....these two angels helped distract me on sunday

Quick update

CT scan showed a kidney stone obstructing the kidney and causing swelling...therefore the high sed rate which is a sign of inflammation..........letting it sit there can cause permanent kidney damage
was sent to urologist this afternoon.....who thinks it's good news (meaning no cancer showing in CT scan)- it is good news from that perspective but i certainly don't need or want this further bump in the road......
solution
medication over the weekend to help it pass on its own or surgery on monday which is already scheduled....it's outpatient -
but i hate the thoughts of anethesia and this whole f!@#$%^&*() mess.......
please join with me in asking the universe to pass this stone before monday......
light all the candles and talk to all good spirits, fairiess, gods, goddesses to ask them to join in that wish.......
i sure wish this bumpy road would smooth out.....

An Anniversary

today marks the 1 yr anniversary of hearing those frightening words from my surgeon
"now we need to talk about breast cancer"
they changed my life forever
now every twinge,
every pain
every slight change in my body
is scary
the year taken out of my life
with drips, and machines, and burns
and no hair
with fear and fatigue
and thousands of tears
with pain and protesting
utter grief and despair
weakness and wondering
terror and trials
family caring for me
friends to quietly listen
all of it mostly a blur....
the first year is gone
passed me by
sometimes inn a fog
sometimes in frustration
sometimes in fear
and now the journey continues...
5 years of preventative medicine
numb fingers and toes
terrible joint pain
ongoing fatigue
a much slowed down life
underlying worry
sagging energy
and simple humble gratitude
i am here
i am blessed
i have survived.....

YUK!

2 quarts of banana barium !!!! at 7:00 a.m........ugh! then wait an hour for it to make its way through my abdomen - then an iodine IV and then the CT scan looking for reasons for my elevated sed rate....i was pretty beat up for the rest of the day as any kind of medical procedure these days does me in........dr appt tomorrow so hope there are some answers.....

fear of the unknown again

3rd blood test still shows sed rate off the charts and dr is still mystified so tomorrow am having a CT scan and chest xray looking for anything that might be going on in my body....
prednisone dose is awful.... not knowing excrutiating......
will it ever end....?

story people

Here's the Story of the Day:
Words of Comfort

There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain & remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself.

how is wish this were true every day...today it's hard to believe.....

the unknown

further tests yesterday confirmed a quadruple increase in my sed rate within the last month....( not even sure what that means and reading on the internet is very scary)
dr baffled so far...tripled my prednisone dose which makes my body go crazy.......i see him again monday.....
fear looms when the unknown appears.......

issues, issues, issues

Routine blood work has found that the sed rate which measures PMR has quadrupled in the space of a month as well as another # which reflects a flare -up has tripled......so i need to see the rheumatolgist and my internist has doubled my prednisone dose..... not at all what i need..... the joint pain from the arimidex continues so goddess only knows what the hell in going on......all i know is i'm in pain and the prednisone is screwing up my body in general....
ohhhhh for a day when i can fell like myself......

ONGOING PAIN

some kind of flare up going on with the PMR....mornings are awful - i can hardly move with the leg and hip pain.....after a couple of hours and pills , things are a bit better....it is so discouraging....
am i paying the price for my trip and my dancing?????
was it worth it????
am having more blood tests tomorrow to check sed rate which determines if it is a flare up or something else....

Melancholy

Things i am missing about the North Shore - where Beverly Ma is....
my family
Rose Hip Farm
fried clam rolls
lobster of any kind
the smell of the Atlantic ocen
everything so green
small towns
new england architecture
home made ice cream stands
maple walnut ice cream
large sprawling yards familiar
smells, sounds, sights from my childhood...
i always feel real melanchly coming back home.....

Guess what I did on Sunday!

i haven't been able to dance for close to a year and made the decision as part of healing my body and soul that i would do the fall showcase even tho i hadn't practiced much, was exhausted from my trip and the joint pain is still bad. it was a miraculous day - i did it very well and got lots of amazing feedback..... the judge said he couldn't find anything to correct or criticize and felt it was a truly spiritual experience..... a perfect stranger told me i was the most graceful and beautiful dancer all day !!!!!!!!! how's that for healing power !!!!!

VACATION BREAK

apologies to faithful readers who have emailed and asked "what's up"
I went back to Beverly MA - my birthplace to visit sisters and brother....5 out of 6 of us were there....so i took a break from posting. it was exhausting to travel and unlike when i'm home i didn't rest every day so my body is screaming with fatigue and pain. The joint pain from the Polymyalgia Rheumtica and drug side effect flared up. All i want to do is sleep.
i did have a wonderful time along with the melancholy and sadness that always overpowers me when i am there.... as in any family, issues from the past and present can bring on emotional pain and helplessness...
my pefect joy of the trip was Alamo's rental car.....i signed up for the least expensive economy car and look what awaited me in the lot...!!!@!!!!! a PT Cruiser
i was overwhelmed and overjoyed with excitment as i have always wanted a convertible....the weather was perfect the whole time and i never had the top up night or day..... !!!!!!! why have a convertible with a top up ?????!!!!
I reconnected with a couple of high school and college friends which was fun....
being away was theraputic and now the reality of physical therapy and healing is back on a daily basis.
the lymphedema behaved - swelled more on the plane but faithfully wore the damn glove and sleeve every day.....

Much needed break

the pain seems to be getting worse....yesterday i resorted to real pain pills....
so seeing my little guys took my mind off the pain...
i went to oakland friday to play with Ben while C&C did some last minute chores before leaving for the airport....
ben decided he wanted to take his baby in the stroller to the playground which is down a steep hill and around a corner...running to keep up with him was quite a challenge but we made it and spent most of the time building sand mountains which allowed me to sit in the shade. I called chris to come and get us so we wouldn't need to climb the hill....Ben needed a wash down with the hose a we really got into the sand....
unfortunately the weather in MN is wet and rainy so they've had to be in gramma and grampa's house a lot....
sunday i went to berkeley to play with ronan and liam while mom and dad did some errands.
they had all spent a week at music camp so i was treated to some clowning routines that tim taught ronan....he was hysterical ...liam was content with his baseball bat.....
little boys sure do bring magic to my heart and sore body.....

PAIN TRAIN

i wish i could get off this pain train but so far it just keeps rolling along.....
i'm trying to dance and it hurts like hell with the joint pain....the rheumatologist upped the prednisone dose but i hate taking more as it's hell on the immune system and very dangerous in terms of breaking bones...
he sent me for some more blood tsts to see if the PMR is flaring or is the pain a result of the the cancer drug Arimidex...i think it's the latter and i have to take it for 5 years.....
i've noticed my knees are in worse shape and my hips and back are very painful
an then there's the damn lymphedema swelling....
i want my life back..... so far it's not in sight.....