FULL MOON

I caught these just at the right moment 5 minutes later she was gone.....

Tonight as I sit at my desk,
the full moon shines through my window
looking close enough to touch
the heavy clouds play hide and seek with her
as she moves like a dancer
across the night sky
the fullness is amazing
the brightness sublime
and I am grateful for this moment
of beauty
it reminds me of hope
and the light to come
in more peaceful days ahead...

NEXT STEP

first of all .....rest
a break before the 30 days of radiation starts.
the first thing that has to happen is that my shoulder needs to heal enough to hold it in place over my head for the mapping and tatooing needed to set up the radiation.
right now that is impossible so i will start physical therapy - hopefully tomorrow 3x weekly here at home...
there was some question about coverage as i do not fit the medicare definition of homebound but the dr and physical therapy lab somehow worded it so they gave an electronic approval... hopefully there will be no issues.....
the more i move the shoulder the more the pain so along with the taxol back and leg pain i expect the next few weeks to be one big pain mess.....
i dread drugs so hope i don't have to take a lot of pain meds....
i do want to get on with the treatment so it can be over.....
so for now it's rest,limbo and more waiting....

TONIGHT

exhausted
worn out
let down
long day
many drugs dripping
slowly
heart racing from steroids
little sleep last nite
waking up to terror...
tonite
no exhilaration
no jumping up and down
just some kind of relief
somehow my body
feels peaceful
calm
at rest
i guess it knows
better than i
that this part is over, finished, complete
and now it needs to prepare
for the next path on this unknown journey....
blessed
grateful
peaceful
loved
tonite....

today...

hooray for me!!!...........i did it !!!

Tim was with me for my last chemo treatment - i know he made it easier
my body was more relaxed - they found a vein easily...
for today - what a great relief.....
this part of the journey is OVER....!!!!!

tomorrow

as is my typical self - i am not living in today but already stressed about tomorrow....
i "should" be excited and happy that it is my last chemo treatment yet for some reason i am weepy and shaky thinking about it...
everyone else is excited that it's over... i am still in the throes of the side effects which won't be over for who knows how long....so have not gotten to the excitement level yet....
my prayer for me today is to just be in the now and let tomorrow come when it comes.....
Corita Kent:
Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.

GRIEF

There are some griefs so loud
They could bring down the sky,
And there are griefs so still
None knows how deep they lie.

--May Sarton, "Of Grief"

MISSING

some days the missing is overwhelming
then i have to remember
what i taught others for many years
as a grief educator and counselor....
Grief is a natural response to loss
it ebbs and flows like the tide
whirling us in spirals....
dragging us down into its undertow
today i am missing...
- seeing my little boys as often as i wish
- seeing my sons and their wives as often as i wish
- family and friends that are far away
- dancing
- driving
- working in the yard
- cooking my favorite foods
- freedom
- feeling good
- strength to do simple chores
- shopping
- the beach
- fingers that aren't numb
- legs that don't ache
- a stomach that will let me eat anything
- sleeping peacefully
- eyes that are clear from discharge and dripping
- a shower without a panic attack
- getting dressed up to go out
- sitting in the sun
each and all of these will become more possible
as the days go by
and treatment changes....
for now
i grieve and ache
for them......

INTOXICATING

look what the morning brought..... the first lilac bloom..... the smell carried me back to my childhood when the whole side of the house was a lilac hedge and everyone in the neighborhood had miles and miles of this beauty.....
it's early for the bloom.... and in CA i only get a few blossoms - nothing like the east coast but i am grateful and excited for this exquisite gift.....
a visit to the orthopedic dr today brought me a prescription for 6 weeks of PT in my home.... to build up the strength and range of motion in my shoulder.... I am so anxious to be able to use it more....
I will have more xrays in the next 2 weeks to see how the healing is going....he just told me to do whatever i can do with it...and WAIT..... not my strong suit....

MUD PIES ON SUNDAY

What a treat to have a little boy here running, jumping, chasing, singing, telling stories and his favorite - making mud !!!!!

today...

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Saturday, Mar. 24

We must not wish for the disappearance of our troubles but for the grace to transform them.



Simone Weil

PAIN PIT

No one talks much about the pain associated with chemo..i do have a lot of the traditional symptoms - scaley skin, sometimes nausea, horrific fatigue, watery gooey eyes that prevent me from reading much, numb fingers, loss of hair etc....but what is really awful these days is the pain from the TAXOL chemo which for me has caused pretty severe pelvic, leg, shoulder and forearm pain - combined with the pain from NEULASTA...throw in the broken shoulder pain, the overuse pain of the other arm and i'm living in one big pain pit ....
I am taking pretty strong doses of pain medication but it only takes the littlest bit of edge off and doesn't give a lot of relief....In reading about this pain, many people have it continue for a long time after the last treatment...of course that plays into my fears for the future....
I long to be able to stay in the present and live in the moment.... but pain is a strong pull in other directions...

Thich Nhat Hanh:
Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.

SHE'S EVERYWHERE

At every turn, newspapers, tv, radio.... Elizabeth Edwards stands bravely to announce:
"My cancer has returned - treatable, but not curable..."
Such terrifying words to the 1 in 8 women and lesser #'s of men who are diagnosed with breast cancer....
I watched Larry King's show last nite - very scary to watch but important information from survivors and Dr. susan Love the foremost expert on the subject....
this will continue to be a top story in the news so the fear level and insecurity will be raising its ugly head even more for a while to come....
it never will disappear but to have it right in my face is another dark shadow to face today.....
Blessed be Elizabeth and the hundreds of thousands unknown brave women and men who face this shadow in their lives......

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather

FEAR

I have lit a special candle this morning for Elizabeth Edwards and for all of us who face the rest of our lives with fear....
I cannot get her off my mind.....
please hold her and her family in your heart....how awful this is.....I can't even imagine how scared she must be....
me too.....

I send love to my fears. My fears are the places within me that await my love.

HAPPY EQUINOX

Ostara - Spring Equinox
The exact arrival of spring is marked by the Spring Equinox, the date when day and night are equal lengths. Depending on the year and time zones, this equinox falls between March 20 and 23. German pagans named the Spring Equinox after Ostara, their goddess of spring, fertility, and rebirth. In England, among the Anglo-Saxon tribes, Ostara was known as Eostre. The modern holiday of Easter is derived from the name "Eostre" and the associated myths. According to these myths, Eostre was a playful goddess whose reign over the earth began in the spring when the Sun King journeyed across the sky in his chariot, bringing the end of winter. Ostara came down to earth then, appearing as a beautiful maiden with a basket of bright colorful eggs. Ostara's magical companion was a rabbit who accompanied her as she brought new life to dying plants and flowers by hiding the eggs in the fields.
May you be blessed with fertility, abundance, success, and all things new!

DAFFODIL DAYS

My friend kathryn's mom, mary - a breast cancer survivor - who lives on the other side of the country filled my day with sunshine yesterday by sending these beautiful daffodils....
blessings and thank you for the hope and light they bring....
she participated in the American Cancer Soceity's Daffodil Days
I've never met mary, but her wishes and good thoughts are a reminder that there is an end to this nightmare....

early surprise
a short walk to the corner
and this early bloom
was peeking out
somewhat hidden in the leaves
of the rose garden
i almost missed her...
the walk was hard
body worn and weary
dragging each step
slowly
wanting to be stronger
wanting to walk more
wanting to have my life back
and then this invitation
to new life
and beauty
reminded me
i will be stronger
i will walk more
i will have a life back
i just wish it was now.......

DOWNHILL SLOPE

this taxol has caused a ride down a slippery slope of even more fatigue and incredible leg and pelvic pain.....nothing relieves it.... spring is just around the corner and Dancing with the Stars begins tonite but i am having a hard time looking forward to anything....the birds are singing outside the open window........i will try to hear their song.............
if i'm lucky, it's wash the sheets day - a huge accomplishment....

OUCH!
This back and leg pain are pretty bad !!!!



I'm not that scared of change, he told me once, I'm scared of looking stupid in the face of it. It's not going too well either, he added.

7 is no lucky number !!!!

treatment 7 has been the hardest.... guess it's cumulative....and the bone pain in my back and legs won't let up....and my stamina today is less than ever.... i didn't think it could guess much less.....
thankfully Tim, Deirdre, Liam and Ronan visited for the afternoon and evening to fill my heart with joy and hope......
i am blessed beyond belief with watching these wondrous little boys.....

ERIN GO BRAGH

translated Ireland Forever....
this beautiful plant was given to me by a friend and after this season will look beautiful in my garden next to my fountain...
I am listening to my huge collection of Irish music and as i mentioned yesterday-it's a mixture of joy and sadness....
my mother never liked being Irish as she grew up in a house cursed with am alcoholic mother and father and she only associated the irish with drinking....
to this day it makes me very angry that so many jokes, songs and cards play off the drinking aspect of the Irish.... alcoholism isn't funny and truth be told, it is historically true that the gene for it runs through centuries of the Irish people.....
Thankfully my grandmother, uncles, aunts and father enjoyed singing the "old" songs and i learned many of them as a young girl...
most of them still bring a tear....and of course since my childhood irish music has become very popular and there is much more to listen to.....
i don't celebrate the st patrick mythology - but can take these days to celebrate my ancestry and the beauty of the country and its people....my dream is to go to Ireland to celebrate my 70th birthday in 08... may my dream come true......
bridget goddess of poetry, healing and smithcraft is much more who i choose to celebrate but her feast - Imbølc has come and gone on Feb.2.....
Irish or not, i send you this Irish blessing:
May you have warm words on a cold evening
A full moon on a dark night
And the road downhill all the way to your door...

WORTH SHARING

This poem arrived in an email this morning and i thought it too beautiful not to share..... She is one of my favorite poets....check her out....


These shriveled seeds we plant,
corn kernel, dried bean,
poke into loosened soil,
cover over with measured fingertips

These T-shirts we fold into
perfect white squares

These tortillas we slice and fry to crisp strips
This rich egg scrambled in a gray clay bowl

This bed whose covers I straighten
smoothing edges till blue quilt fits brown blanket
and nothing hangs out

This envelope I address
so the name balances like a cloud
in the center of sky

This page I type and retype
This table I dust till the scarred wood shines
This bundle of clothes I wash and hang and wash again
like flags we share, a country so close
no one needs to name it

The days are nouns: touch them
The hands are churches that worship the world

~Naomi Shihab Nye

TREATMENT 7

I made it through another one - 3rd treatment of TAXOL....not easily - but I did it....
morning was a roller coaster of tears, fears and shaking - lots to do with the massive doses of steroids i have to take the night before to prevent allergic reactions...
the other thing is the cellular memory of past experiences..... i believe our bodies store memories deep in our cells and no matter what our mind might tell us about "relax, you can do this, calm down..." my body remembers on awaking that it's treatment day...
it also remembered allergic reactions i had when i had the 3rd treatment of Remicade which was an infusion drug for the PMR condition which i still have.
My veins collapsed after 2 tries in different places so it took a while to find a 3rd place which hurt more during the 4 hour drip than previous ones had.
I never do relax sitting there and envy others in the room that just drift off to sleep the whole time...
I did listen to lots of Irish music on my ipod but so much of it is melancholy that it made me wish to be in Ireland... and also took me back to my childhood memories of singing around my grandmother's piano with aunts, uncles and cousins singing Irish melodies...
i am sad that my children will not have that memory....

HOPE

it's hard to take picture with a broken shoulder when i can't hold the camera still...but today i managed this one in the back yard.....
tiny new shoots of hope that are beginning their journey to full bloom and gorgeous fragrance.....
their tiny heads peeking out give me hope....
tomorrow another treatment....let me live in the hope of healing......

spring morning

May spring enchant the new life,
shy and hesitant within me,
and set the rhythm for my sluggish feet
in a dance of holy yearning.
Author unknown

PROMISE

trying to see the promise of new life
hard when everything feels like hell
again today
these tiny leaves are new this week
on the Japanese maple
i will watch them each day as they
turn towards the sun
and await their full glory
as i await just even a glimmer
of a feel good day.....

NOT CLEAR

i realize i wasn't very clear with the STRUGGLE post....
the loud voice lost out....
i just collapsed into the feeling awful....
i am still collapsed and still feel awful
and the loud voice can just shut its ugly mouth.....

STRUGGLE

I hate war and everything it stands for so i went looking for synonyms for what i feel is going on inside and outside my body.....
"struggle" felt like the least violent.....
all day today has been a battle (another word i dislike immensely)
give in to the desperate feelings.... get up, move and follow the old adage "you can do it "
yes, i can....
and today was harder than a lot of days....the pain, the fatigue, the lonliness.....
feeling physically and emotionally beaten (another of those violent words)
yet having this really loud voice constantly challenging me.....
if you'd walk
if you'd get busy
if you'd listen to music
if you'd watch a movie
it you'd distract yourself
if you'd call someone
...you'd feel better.....
i didn't do any of the above
i don't feel better.....

COMPLETE with CARAWAY !

Real Irish soda bread complete with raisins and caraway seeds - just the way i would make it ....many people leave out the raisins and most leave out the caraway... so imagine my delight when my friend made it just right !!!!
Add to that a delicious corned beef and cabbage dinner with old friends and last nite was a treasure!
I was extra tired today from the outing but wouldn't have traded it for anything....
i sure am anxious for some stamina to return....
i did walk to the corner and back which felt like climbing the matterhorn....

PLANTING

blessings and thank you to my friends Kathyrn and Alex for the planting ritual yesterday. I had 2 baby lilac plants that someone gave me a while ago and they were drying out to be in the ground.... I now have some new life sprouting to watch and water each day as i pray for the new life of post treatment to be a reality.....

SURRENDER

I have this print hanging on the wall of my "office" and I need the daily reminder it represents. It's title is THE FLAME OF SURRENDER and those who know me well were surprised when i bought a few years ago because of all the red, yellow and orange - not colors i have around me. the print is much more red than it looks here.... I found it in a small boutique in Capitola and was moved to tears at its beauty.
the artist has since become a favorite - i buy her cards and bookmarks often and an occasional small print as a gift. I invite you to enjoy her work
Mara Berendt Friedman

TIRED

I am tired….
Worn out, exhausted,
weary, fatigued,
drained, wasted…
day after day
of tired…..
I am tired of being tired
Take a shower
lie down
Fry an egg
lie down
Get dressed
lie down
Straighten the bed
lie down
Walk around the back yard
lie down
Talk on the phone
lie down
Answer an email
lie down
Visit with a friend
lie down
I am so tired of
Not being able to walk any distance
Not being able to dance
Not being able to cook
Or clean or sort
the piles of paper everywhere
Tired of things not being put away
Tired of Christmas wrapping still on the table
Tired of the pain in my shoulders
1 broken
the other -tendonitis from overuse
tired of the weakness
tired of
the scaly itchy skin
tired of the sores that sting
tired of the back pain
leg pain
just plain tired of it all…..

WITCH'S BALL

this beautiful blown glass ball hangs outside on the patio... i bought it on a trip to Salem MA - home of the witches....the lore is extensive but it is thought to be a protection from "evil" spirits..
When i look at it, i remember the healing power of witches and it's magnificent colors and design bring beauty and joy to my long, lonely, boring days of fatigue....

Neuropathy

one of the side effects of taxol is neuropathy which is a numbness in fingers and toes and the last few days i have noticed the onset in my hands....i had hoped i would skip this one but it seems it is creeping in.....
hopefully it will not get serious and will eventually go away. "they" make no promises - for some it goes away..... others it does not.....
most of the day in bed except for a brief jaunt to get a hamburger with Marilyn. I felt "chickened" out so wanted a hamburger..... it was good but strength wise - didn't have much energy to finish it all......
i am still waiting desperately for a "turnaround" day when i will have a little strength to do something!!!!! it is so hard....this horrific fatigue...

www.gratefulness.org
WORD FOR THE DAY
Wednesday, Mar. 7

All sorrows can be borne if you tell a story about them.



Karen Blixen

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIAM

i am so grateful for the 6 years of utter joy this beautiful little boy has brought to my life..... soon i hope to be riding the carousel with him!

MUD PIES

While Grampa Pete is buried in snow in MN, gramma, nana and Ben enjoyed the warm day and the mud.....
the leg pain is really bad, but the company and love helped me thru another day....

1 more day

Taxol pain in the pelvis, legs and back is horrendous.... slept a lot last nite and this morning....
what a difference friends and love makes....
-someone went to the grocery store for me and made me corn bread
-someone dropped off good soup and chocolate cake
-someone came and washed sheets, made my bed, oiled my scaly skin, put away the valentines and got out the shamrocks.... and mostly helped me feel safe and calm.....
all of which i so needed to get me thru 1 more day.....
blessed be the love and care which surrounds me....

TEARS AND TAXOL

2ns treatment today of Taxol - a long day of sitting in the chair from 11-3 as the bags dripped slowly.... tears came easily, relaxation almost impossible... i listened to my ipod,talked a little to the woman next to me and visited with my friends who faithfully accompany me...
too exhausted to even read the gossip magazines...
now the next few days the lower body bone pain sets in.... i'm hoping i can breathe thru it of course with the help of pain drugs...the broken shoulder pain is already quite bad....
the dr says my counts are very high - no signs of anemia - good news....
yesterday was the first time i said out loud to myself....I don't want to do this anymore... I'm done.... I am going to quit.....
but today with fear and some kind of mysterious strength and knowing you are all out there with your good thoughts,healing energy and prayers.... I DID IT
HOORAY FOR ME...!
and blessings for each and all of you who are with me on this difficult journey....

I DID IT`

HOORAY FOR ME ! I got through the whole performance of URINETOWN at Bellarmine H.S. last nite....
another test of holding BOTH-AND
fear and fun
anxiety and awe
fatigue and frivolity
weakness and wonder
sadness and silliness
lost and laughter
pain and pleasure
with Chris at my side i felt safe even tho not so sure i could make it....
but I did
I couldnt clap with my broken shoulder, but did hoot, holler and for these amazing young people who brought me joy and hope....